My Dearest Christian
by Insanespinster
Summary: Christian and Ana are divorced. Can they rediscover the love they had and find their HEA?
1. Chapter 1

_My Dearest Christian_ …..

Oh my, this is going to be so much harder than I thought it would be. Gazing out the window, watching the water ebb and flow, I must pull myself together and get this done.

 _I was so sorry to hear of the loss of your wife._

Wife. A title I once held so dear to me and had to let go of it.

 _Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time._

You have never been out of my thoughts. I have thought about you every day for the past 5 years. Not a day goes by that there isn't something that reminds me of you…of us…of what we were together. Every day I have prayed that time could be turned back and that "us" would still be.

 _Keep your memories of her alive and Linda will always be in your heart._

Oh my, memories. Do I have a few? You bet I do! The good ones fortify me. The bad ones, well they destroy me. I have forgiven you, but I have yet to forgive myself for allowing our marriage to fall apart. Why oh why did I not fight harder! You are always in my heart. Sometimes, it hurts so terribly that I feel as if I want to die. Five years has not changed that. Your remarrying didn't change that either, it just made it harder.

 _If there is anything you need please know that I am here for you._

Can I say that? Will he be angry? Will he understand that I just want to comfort him in this difficult time? Does he care that I still love him, even after all that has happened?

 _With deepest sympathy. Ana_

Signed, sealed and sent. Chances are he won't even read it. I am sure that Gail is probably screening all the sympathy cards and flowers that are coming into Escala. I am almost positive that she will not give him the card. I have thought about attending the funeral on Friday, but I am not sure if I can deal with it. I would like to see how he is holding up. I am sure he is not taking care of himself. One thing for sure is that he will present himself as his typical CEO persona, just so no one approaches him. Oh, Christian, what I would give to just hold you and tell you that this sadness will pass with time. To tell you that you are loved….

"Luke, I'm ready to head into the office." Luke, where would I be without him? I was thrilled that Christian allowed him to transfer to me after the divorce. I needed Luke. He was my friend as well as my bodyguard. He knew that I didn't want a divorce. He knows of my continued love for Christian. He is the only man that has been in my life since those damn papers were signed. He has witnessed my torture and pain. He knows that I still belong to Christian, in mind body and soul.

All Characters belong to Ms. James. The story is mine.

Please review and let me know if I should continue. This is my first attempt at Fan-Fiction.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 My Dearest Christian

Thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement. I am very humbled. I have a reviewer ask if this was going to be a HEA. I have to say that will be up to Christian.

All Characters belong to E.L. James. The story is mine.

Christian POV

Standing here looking out of my office window, watching the rain slither down the window pane I wonder why.

Why did Linda suffer? Why did I marry her? Why do I always hurt the ones I so dearly love?"

"Christian" I hear Taylor call me.

"What is it Jason."

"Sir, the funeral director is here and needs to go over the details for Friday. I have already gone over the security measures that are necessary."

"Jason, just handle everything. All I need is for you to make sure I am where I am supposed to be." "When you are done, I would like to go home."

"Certainly, Sir, I will let Gail know you will be arriving early."

Taylor leaves me alone once again to watch the rain fall. Jason is probably the only friend I have other than family. He has been with me through the nightmare of the past 5 years. He warned me. But being the stubborn CEO that I can be, I ignored him.

Bringing me back to the here and now, Jason informs me that the car is ready. I tell Andrea that she can reach me by cell and that I will be at home. Roz can handle anything that comes up in the next couple of days.

Arriving at the penthouse, I notice several floral arrangements and planters. Gail must have felt they were important. I gave her instructions to forward all flowers and other gifts to the hospital to be given to patients. God knows, if you are in the hospital any little bit of cheer is appreciated.

The mail is on the table. Most of the cards have been opened and I am sure Gail has them cataloged. Gail and Jason have been a god-send these past couple of days. Just as they have been for all these years.

One envelope catches my eye. I know that handwriting. My heart skips a few beats, my hands tremble. No! I can't open this. My heart and soul cannot take whatever may be inside. Shit, why would she send me a note? I bring the envelope to my nose, and inhale her scent. My eyes are filled with tears as my knees start to buckle.

Gail finds me and helps me to the sofa. I can see in her eyes that she knows what I discovered. She hands me a glass of ice cold water. Taylor and Gail do not want me drinking alcohol right now, knowing my history of coping with loss. But, damn, a shot of scotch right now would be so welcomed.

I vaguely hear Gail calling for Jason. As Jason arrives in the room, I can finally find my strength. "I told you this is how he would react" Gail is fuming at Jason. "It is too much for him right now." "I should have just opened it with the rest of the cards and cataloged it, just like the others." Jason has this look on his face, he is taking the brow beating, but there is something else, he knows something that Gail doesn't.

"Gail, it is fine. I am fine. Stop fussing at Jason." I am far from fine, but Gail needs to stop. I place the note in my pocket and get up from the sofa. "I will be in my study, could you bring my dinner in there a bit later." "Of course Christian, it should be ready in about an hour."

"Jason, I won't be going out this evening, so you and Gail have the evening free." They both nod in understanding. I also know that Jason will not leave the security office until I have gone to my bedroom. I am not sure that I will make it there this evening. I must gather the courage to open the note in my pocket.

I unlock the cabinet and pour myself a glass of scotch. There are just times that you can't always listen to your staff.

I pull the envelope out of my pocket and once again inhale her scent. The scent I will never forget. Opening the envelope I gently pull the cream colored note out. I notice the grey A on the front. So simple, yet so eloquent, just like the woman it belongs to.

With trembling hands I open the note.

 _My Dearest Christian,_

 _I was so sorry to hear of the loss of your wife. Know that you in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time._

 _Keep your memories of her alive and Linda will always be in your heart._

 _If there is anything you need please know that I am here for you._

 _With deepest sympathy,_

 _Ana_

I am sobbing so hard, that I do not hear Jason enter the office. "Sir, Christian, Sir, GREY!" I look up with a start. "Sir, is everything okay?"

"No Jason, once again I have screwed up." I screw everything up. I hand him Ana's note to read. He too has tears in his eyes. "So, what are you going to do about it?" That's all he has to say? He hands me back the note and leaves me alone to digest this note.

I re-read the opening. She used a term of endearment. How can she possibly write the word 'dearest'? I forced a divorce on her. I know she didn't want me to divorce her. God, if only I would have been honest with myself, I didn't want a divorce. Between my fifty shades of fuckedupness and my need for total control, I thought that it was what was best for her. She needed to know that she could be all that she wanted to be and she didn't need me to do it. I would only hold her back. I saw the sadness in her eyes and felt the hurt and betrayal the day the papers were signed.

I lost my wife 5 years ago. Not a few days ago. Ana was my wife. Linda was…what was she really? Did I marry her because she was sick and used her to prove that I could live without Ana? Deep down I know I didn't love her, not like she should have been loved, with my body, soul, and mind. Linda never had my soul. That belongs to someone else. Anyone who knows me well knows that my mind is always on my business.

Memories of Linda, those will be there, but not in my heart. The memories in my heart are of Ana. They always have been. Linda knew this. Linda knew I never really stopped loving Ana. She understood, I agreed to marry her because she needed me. Mr. Fix-It here! I knew I could fix everything for her. Once again the control freak in me took over.

Am I really in Ana's thoughts? Or was she just being the kind person that everyone loves. Did she mean that line about if I need anything that she would be there for me?

Oh, shit, what have I done? What will I do now? I am so tired, I head to bed. What is one more nightmare!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N Thank you all so much for the reviews and the encouragement.

All characters belong to E.L. James.

5 Years Ago

I am in the kitchen checking on the lasagna I had placed in the oven when I got home from work. Gail has the evening off, and of course I love the fact that I can cook. Gail and I have a secret pact that at least one night a week, she needs to have the night off just so I can cook. We work out the schedule when we go over the week's calendar, my schedule and Christian's schedule. I don't think Christian has caught on to this, yet. I giggle to myself.

The table is set and salad is made. I'm all ready to place dinner on the table when Christian comes home. I spend the time reflecting on how great my life is. I have a home I love. A job that I am excelling at and feel fulfilled. I have a man who loves me with all of his body, soul and mind, when he isn't thinking about his business. I am so lucky!

Oh, don't get me wrong, we had our difficulties, what with his ex-subs, Elena, Hyde, and all the bull crap that goes with them. But we survived and to tell the truth we thrived. All the bad made "us" stronger. It wasn't easy but wow, was it worth it.

The front door slamming shut brings me back to the now. "Christian, I'm in the kitchen." Knowing he will go searching for me, I thought I would help him out. Seeing him walking towards me takes my breath away. He is just so sexy. Being Friday, I know that we will have a week-end to unwind and re-charge before the new work week.

It must have been a rough day in merger and acquisitions. He is running his hand through his hair and he looks tired. His smile is forced and his eyes are almost vacant. As I approach him I am telling him dinner is almost ready. No response. That is unusual because he always asks what we are having. I reach him and place my arms around his neck reaching for kiss that always takes my breath away. I feel the tension in his body. Hopefully my smile and the look of love I am giving him will help him relax a tad bit.

He brushes my cheek with his lips and tells me that he will be ready to eat in about 10 minutes and then he is off to his study. Wow, I wonder if he lost billions today. That certainly was not the welcome I expected! Returning to the kitchen I wonder to myself if he will talk about it..Probably not. He is good at internalizing everything. Getting information out of him is not an easy task. I might have better luck in the bedroom this evening.

After filling the wine glasses and putting the salad and bread on the table I am just getting ready to take the lasagna out of the oven when I hear him. "Ana, I want a divorce."

Believing I didn't hear that, I continue to place the food on the table and sit down. He is already seated. I can't look at him at the moment. I am still processing what I thought I heard. I fill my plate with food, knowing how he feels about not eating and waste. I don't take much, because I am not sure that my body can handle it. I take a long sip of the wine and looking straight into his eyes I ask him if he just said he wants a divorce.

"Yes, Ana, that is what I said, I didn't stutter did I."

Oh my God! My head is spinning. All the thoughts running through it and the shock of this have me paralyzed. I must not become hysterical. I have to deal with this with logic. That is the only way to confront Mr. Grey when he is being irrational. I must dig deep for my CEO persona. I know it is there, I just have to take a few moments to find it.

"Christian, I don't understand." "Where is this coming from?" "What happened today to bring this on?"

"Ana, I want out." "This is not working for me, and just as I do with GEH I know when to cut my losses and walk away. I am walking away." "I will be moving back to Escala by the end of next week." "You can have this house." "The papers are ready to sign and there is room for some negation, but I want them signed within the month." He takes a sip of wine and begins eating dinner as he slides a manila envelope towards me.

I sit there, dumbfounded. I realize there is more to this declaration. I just have to find out what it is. I will not divorce him. I have fought too hard to love him and make him see what a wonderful man he really is. I thought we banished all the darkness. We were living in the light and enjoying it and each other. What the hell just happened? I must have been in my own head for a while because the next thing I realize is that Christian has left the table is telling me he will be in his study and I can join him after I read what is the envelope.

I go through the motions of clearing the table and cleaning up the kitchen. I pick the envelope up off the table and head to the Library. I must read this in a calming place because I am about to implode and need the comfort of a room I love.

Ana's face told me everything. I know she was not expecting me to ever ask for a divorce. After all, I am the one who continually begged her to never leave me. Shit, that was brutal. It was the hardest thing I have done. I destroyed the only person that I have loved. But, in my mind I know it is for the best. I know Ana loves me with everything she has. I have watched her blossom both as my loving wife and CEO of Grey Publishing. The best thing I did was give her the company for our first anniversary. As my wife she has provided me with love and nurturing and because of her I am a better man. Or at least I was until today. She deserves to flourish on her own right, not with me constantly controlling her and her surroundings. She deserves to have children to love and nurture and to pass on her beautiful philosophy of life. She believes in a simple life. Money means nothing. She deserves the best, and I have finally realized that the best is not me. I know that she soon resent me for who I am. I am not a simple person, and cannot see me changing any time soon. My fifty shades of fuckedupness will never go away. Ana only sees the good in me; she would not leave me, even if she believed I was holding her back from becoming the woman I know she will be. I see her as force to be reckoned with. I see her as a loving mother, wife, and friend. I know she be all of this more. With me in her life, she will not become any of these. Therefore, I made the decision to end our marriage. Setting her free is for her own good. No matter what the fallout is to me. She must come first. Flynn says I am crazy and that I should talk to Ana about all of this before making this decision. But I know Ana, I know she will insist that she is happy and fulfilled. She will tell me that we are better people together than apart. She can't see what I am doing to her by being controlling and keeping her in the dark about so many things. Just look at the security she doesn't even know about, the fact that anyone who walks into GP has already been vetted by security. How many authors have I cost her by this action? It is her company, not mine. I know damn well that I would not like her interfering with GEH! No, this is for the best. I know I am right. I am always right. This is what I do, I make decisions that are based on facts and figures and what is best for all involved. This has to be done and it will be done, no matter what Ana says.


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N Thank you all for the kind reviews. I truly appreciate them. To the Guest reviewer who stated "I don't want to waste my time reading a story that really makes no sense and is not going anywhere. I think your grasping at straws and trying to make a different story then others have written, but it's coming off sounding immature and rediculios." That is your prerogative. I regret that I have not answered your questions in your timeline, but since you are unnamed, that makes it impossible. This is my journey and I will travel it in my own time. I hope those following me appreciate that concept.**_

 _ **All Characters belong to E. L. James. The story concept is mine.**_

Chapter 4 – 5 years ago – Part 2

Sitting here, holding the envelope that Christian pushed to me, I am completely stunned. My world is falling apart and I am not sure why. What I do know is that if indeed Christian has his mind made up to divorce me it will be an insurmountable task to change his mind.

If I have learned anything in the past two years, it is that what Christian Grey wants, Christian Grey gets. No matter the repercussions. I question if I am strong enough to withstand the war that I need to wage in order to save my marriage.

If I could stop shaking I would open the damn envelope and hope I find answers to this bizarre scene. I know I have to do this, but my heart is hurting and my body is trembling. He is the love of my life! The only man who could make me whole and I thought I was the same to him. Obviously, I must have been delusional. I keep hoping I am in a nightmare and will awake with my husband by my side, staring at me as I sleep, adoring me as I awake. Loving and worshiping me as if there was no other in the world.

This has to be done. Opening the envelope I read the first paragraph. 'Christian Grey is applying for a No-Fault Divorce from Anastasia Steele-Grey.' The hysterical laugh I hear is coming from my mouth. No-Fault, well isn't that just ducky. Tells me nothing about why he is doing this. I wonder if he will share his version of no-fault. I continue reading. I get the house and all the furnishings, he gets Escala. He is taking all of his staff to Escala. I get my choice of one of the many cars he own. I get keep any material items I brought into the marriage. Well, that is a no brainer. The only thing I brought into this marriage was Wanda. How fucking generous of him! For the first year he will pay all the bills associated with the house and provide security for the property and me personally. I must agree to not seek any assets attached to GEH. Oh god, don't touch his first and only love. He obviously doesn't know me well at all. I would never take any part of GEH away from him. I don't love GEH, I love him. I don't love or crave monetary things. I crave his touch and his love. I crave his playfulness and sound of his laughter. The light in his eyes when he sees me showering. The way he says I love you. The way he worships me during our lovemaking. These are the things I need and want.

The last paragraph states that if I do not sign this agreement within 30 days the gift of GP will be revoked and the company will revert back to its original owner GEH. What the hell? He would actually do this? He will take away my livelihood, the one thing in my life that I can say I have made successful, other than my marriage, obviously.

I am now pissed off. Anger has overridden the pain I was feeling. He better be prepared to give me the answers I deserve. He can be such an ass at times. As much I love him, I know he is still clueless when it comes to relationships. Granted he has gotten better over time, but he still has a way to go in that department.

The more I move, the angrier I am becoming. I walk into the Great Room yelling "Christian Grey get your ass out here right now!" "Christian, I mean it, we are not having this discussion in YOUR study, come out here and face me, now!" Standing there, tapping my foot, because now the trembling is from rage and not hurt. Rage I can cope with for now, it is fueling me and I know I can be strong.

I hear the study door open and look up to see Christian slowly walking into the room. He knows I am furious. His head is down and he running this hand through his hair. This is not going to go well at all, I feel it deep in my soul.

"Christian, what the hell is this?" I scream as I am shaking the papers he wants me to sign in his face. "It is what it says it is a divorce agreement." He replies. He is straightening up and his hands are clasped together in front of him. He is preparing to either go all Dom on me or total CEO. Well I can match both, at least right now.

"Tell me why you want a divorce. Tell me what is going through your mind to take such a drastic step where OUR lives are concerned. Tell me why you haven't spoken to me about this before you decide where we both shall live and what we both shall keep. TELL ME, CHRISTIAN!" I have to breathe. I must calm down. I will get nowhere with him until I do.

The next words out of his mouth send shock waves through my body and my soul. "Ana, I don't love you and you are not enough for me."

He has left the room. I am a clutching my heart and screaming so loudly that Taylor comes out of the security office to check on me. He finds me on the floor with papers all around me and crying uncontrollably. "Ana, what happened, are you hurt? Let me help you up and check you. Ana, do you hear me?" I barely nod my head. I can't move. I catch the sight of Gail heading towards the kitchen. Jason has placed me on the sofa and he is collecting the strewn papers. From the look on his face, he realizes what he is holding. The only words I can get out of my mouth are 'he doesn't love me; he doesn't love me; not enough, not enough'. The tears will not stop. My life as I know it is now over.

Telling Ana that I did not love her and that she wasn't enough was the hardest sentence I have ever said in my entire life. It was harder than telling my parents about Elena. The difference being that the words said to Ana were lies. I have not lied to Ana during our marriage. But I had to lie, because I know she would fight me tooth and nail about a divorce and I could not allow that. This is for her. This is what is best. Threatening to take Grey Publishing back should guarantee that there is a quick signature from her. I know she loves GP and it is because of her it is so successful. I know she needs GP, especially now.

Sitting in the guest room hearing her sobbing is pure torture. I want to go to her, to comfort her, to reassure her, but I can't. I must stay strong and not waiver. She will be better off and she will realize this sooner than later. I hear Jason and Gail in the great room. I know they will take care of her. They both love her, she is their family too. She will be fine. I know she will. I text Taylor, telling him that I will be leaving for Escala in about 15 minutes and to notify security that I will be arriving and to meet me at the service elevator. I was going to wait, but it is better if I go now. Ana does not have to see me go.

Gail is holding Ana and trying to calm her down. My phone vibrates and I see the text from Christian. I tell Gail I have to the security office and I will be right back. She nods in understanding and I turn and walk to my office. What the hell is going on, divorce papers and now he wants to go to Escala. I can't leave Gail alone with Ana. I call Ryan and tell him the boss will be arriving at Escala and then I call Luke Sawyer to tell him I need him to stay with Ana and Gail while I take the boss to Escala. I will fill him in later. I just need to know that Gail will have someone here in case Ana truly goes off the deep end, not that she hasn't already. She can barely talk and all she says is he doesn't love me. This night can't get any worse. I walk back out to the great room and tell Gail I have an errand to run and I will explain later. Sawyer will be here in about 5 minutes and I head to the service elevator.

Jason has left and Sawyer is sitting with Ana. She has finally cried herself to sleep. I don't know how long she will remain that way, but I hope for her sake that it is morning before she awakes. It is late and I know I won't get any sleep until Jason returns. I wonder where Mr. Grey is. Any other time he would right beside Ana when she was in distress. I sure hope Jason has some answers for me. I hate being in the dark where Ana and Christian are concerned. I am totally baffled.

The boss is silent the whole way to Escala. When we arrive he tells me he needs to speak to me. When we get into the penthouse he heads for the security office, so I follow. Ryan is there and I acknowledge his presence. The boss tells us both to take a seat. This is not going to be good, my gut is churning. "Taylor, I have given Ana divorce papers this evening. I will now be residing here. Ana will keep the house. I will be providing security for her as well as the property for the next year. You need to arrange this." From the look on my face, which I am sure can only be described as pure shock, he feels he must continue. "This is for the best, for Ana, this is for the best." Like that makes it right or even understandable. "Sir, I called Sawyer in to stay with Gail and Ana while I brought you here. I think I need to go back to the house and sort this out. We will have to hire a few more people and I think it would best to keep Sawyer with Ana."

"Fine, Taylor. I agree Sawyer should stay with Ana. Since it is the week-end I won't need you until Monday. Perhaps by then you will have this all worked out. Jason, take care of her and keep her safe." His voice is quiet and almost reverent.

My head is swimming with 'whys' and I can only imagine how Gail is feeling. Hopefully Ana has calmed down and is resting. God knows she is going to need all of her strength and faculties to deal with shit storm. As soon as get in the house I see Sawyer in the great room and Ana asleep on the sofa. I think about moving her to the bedroom, but quickly change my mind. I do not want to risk waking her. Sawyer nods toward the kitchen, so I know that is where I will find Gail. She is sitting at the table with a cup of coffee just looking into space. Trying not to startle her, I walk a bit heavier on the tile floor so that she knows I am there. She looks at me with tears in her eyes. I take her into my arms and hold her tight while she finds her emotional release. Once she has left all her hurt out, I sit down with her on my lap and tell her what I know of what has happened tonight. I tell her about the papers, the boss moving to Escala, and I try to prepare her for what I know is next, that she and I will also moving Escala. The boss didn't say it directly, but I am good at reading between the lines.

I tell that I don't know what is behind the boss's actions, but there is one thing I do know deep down in my gut, what he told Ana is an absolute lie. He does love her and she is enough. Now I have fill Sawyer in on all this crap.

My eyes open slowly, hoping this is all a bad dream. I am still on the sofa. Last thing I remember is Gail holding me like a mother holds a child needing comfort. As I sit up I notice Sawyer asleep in the chair across from me. Guess Taylor needed reinforcements. I wonder where my husband is. I go to his study and it is empty. Perhaps he is still sleeping. Entering the bedroom, I notice the bed has not been slept in. I check every guest room and bathroom. I head to the kitchen and it is vacant. No Gail, no Christian. Panic is again setting in. I walk over to Sawyer and gently wake him, even though I want to shake him violently. I need to know where my husband is. "Sawyer, where the hell is Christian?" "Ana, Taylor took him to Escala last night." I grab my shoes and purse and the car keys and head towards the door. He said we could negotiate. You don't walk out on negotiations. I slam the door shut listening to Sawyer yelling at me where was I going and to wait. I don't wait. I am on my way to Escala. As I am driving, I go over in my head what I want to say. I know Christian won't answer questions but he is going to damn well hear what I have to say!

I pull into the parking garage and head toward the elevator. I punch in the code and the elevator does not move. What the hell, he changed the codes already! I send a text to Taylor for the new code to Escala. His reply is that Mr. Grey has instructed Security that I am not to be given access to Escala for any reason. Holy Shit! Christian has gone completely crazy. I remind Taylor that I am still married to this man and Escala is still my home and that if I have to I will call the police to assist me in gaining entrance to my home. I'll be damned Christian is going to hear what I have to say to him one way or the other.

I hear my email ping. It's from Christian.

To: Ana Steele-Grey

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Access to Escala

Ana, you will not be granted access to Escala today or any day forward. Your personal possessions are being boxed and will be delivered to the house today or tomorrow. If you have something you would like to add to the papers you received I will be available to discuss them with you Monday morning at 10 A.M. in my conference room. Email Andrea and let her know if you will be keeping the appointment. You will have to see Taylor to get a visitors pass for my floor. Your security badge is only good for your offices. Remember the last paragraph in the papers. You will lose GP. The clock is ticking.

Christian Grey CEO GEH

As I slide down the elevator to sit on the floor, my head is throbbing, my stomach is churning and I stare in disbelief at what I am reading.

This email is from a cold, callus person. How could I love someone who is treating our marriage like an acquisition? How can I fight this? I don't sign the papers I lose Christian and GP. I sign the papers and I lose Christian and keep GP, either way I lose. I lose Christian.

I have to get out of here. I don't know what direction to go, but any direction is better than sitting on the floor of an elevator. I get into my car and just start driving. My phone is blowing up with texts and emails. It is either Taylor or Sawyer, because I know for sure it isn't Christian. I am sure that I have received the very last email ever from him.

I am also very sure that I will survive this. I will come out of it whole and my hope is that Christian too will survive. Whatever his reason for this, I just hope he knows what he has done.

Xxxxxxxx

A/N Christian being Christian has set this all in motion. Going forward with this story you will find that Jason has the key to bringing Christian and Ana toward a HEA. I stated that it will up to Christian if indeed the HEA would occur. I got slammed for that, since he is a fictional character, (which I am well aware of) but in this story it will be his decision if he can reconcile what he has done and what he really wants. This is the history of how the divorce came about. From now on this story will be in present time. There will be some memories, but I want to focus on the present and future.

Thank you all for reading, reviewing and following.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 – Linda's Funeral

Taylor POV

Tomorrow is Linda's funeral. Per her request it will be a grave side service. She didn't want any fussing. She reminded me of Ana in that regard. All the security has been arranged and the boss knows that we need to be at the cemetery by 10 A.M. The service will begin promptly and shouldn't last no more than a half hour. Linda made all the arrangements in the last few weeks of her life. The roses are being delivered directly to the cemetery and each person will receive one. As they pass by the grave-site to pay their last respects they will lay them on top of her casket. This is what she wanted. No other flowers. After the funeral anyone who wishes to, can join Christian at the little restaurant down the road from the cemetery. It was Linda's favorite place to eat. Then the hard part for me, anyway. She gave me instructions to deliver the two letters I am holding in my hands, one to Christian and one to Ana. The stipulation is that they must be given to each person at the same time and by only me. How the hell I am going to pull this off, I don't know.

That is the reason I insisted that Gail put Ana's note, unopened with the mail. He had to know that Ana knew about Linda's death and was at least open to offering her sympathy. That way if she shows up at the funeral he will have to be gracious to her and at least speak to her. Gail was none too pleased with me for making him read the note. After sleeping on the couch for a night I felt for the sake of my marriage that I had to explain to her what I was instructed to do by Linda. She understands, at least enough to let me back in our bedroom. Thank God for that.

I called Sawyer a few minutes ago and he has heard nothing from Ana about her decision to attend the funeral. He believes she is leaning towards going but he says she is vacillating hourly. I can only hope at 9 A.M. tomorrow she is leaning toward attending. I give Sawyer all the information he needs to make sure he arrives on time and what the agenda is for the day. I also share with him what Linda has requested of me. To pull this off I am going to need all the help I can get, from any where I can get it.

Ana POV

Tomorrow is Friday. Linda is being buried tomorrow. I still cannot decide if I want to attend. I mean how odd is it that, the former wife attending the current wife's funeral. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, least of all Christian. I am sure he is dealing with enough already. I have told Hannah to clear my schedule, just in case I do decide to go. "Sawyer could I see you please." Luke arrives and I ask him to see if he can get the details of the funeral for me. I know he will get the information, he is still friends with Taylor, and I am sure that Taylor will tell him.

Next to GP, Sawyer was the best acquisition I got in the divorce settlement. He has been a rock and believe me in the beginning I needed a rock. He refused to allow me to wallow in self-pity at my loss and insisted that I continue living, when all I really wanted to do was curl up and die. Luke is a true friend and one hell of a CPO. He knows what direction I am going before I do.

In the last 5 years I have written a book, signed so many bestselling authors that Grey Publishing is the number one publishing house in the Country. GP is my life. I surprised myself with how well I can run it. I am proud of who I am. Funny, when you know you are alone and have a choice between sinking or swimming, swimming becomes easy. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy. I had to make myself into the tough CEO that I am known as. It would have been easier if Christian would have been there to guide me. After all he has it down to perfection.

"Ana, I have the information for you" Luke brings me back to the here and now. "What are the details?" "Grave-side service at 10 should last about ½ hour, a gathering at a local restaurant near the cemetery for anyone who wishes to attend." "Thank you Luke, I will make a decision before the end of the day and let you know."

I need to get some work done. I have read and re-read the manuscript on my desk and still I could not tell you what it is about. Tripping down memory lane is making it hard to concentrate. Perhaps if I make a final decision about tomorrow, I can actually get a bit of work done before I go home. I could do what I do when deciding whether to sign an author, make a pro-con list. No, this can't be a CEO decision. This has to be a personal decision. I know I want to see him. The need deep inside of me is to make sure he is not totally broken. No matter how he handled our divorce and how he broke "us", I still care. After all he was my first and only true love. I have always known I was stronger than him in matters of the heart. I proved that to myself over and over during our marriage. Over the years the hurt has lessened and it's almost to the point of just being a nagging ache occasionally. It only hurts because I will always love him. At least I finally got over the 'what if' stage. I almost drove myself crazy trying to figure out all the 'what ifs' that I conjured up in my head. Sawyer hated that stage! He told me if spoke one more 'what if' scenario out loud, he was going to quit. I laughed so hard I almost peed myself. He made me realize what I was doing was not productive and self-defeating. I stopped doing that quickly. I couldn't afford to lose Luke. Wait, I am doing the same damn thing now. Damn it Ana, make a decision and stick to it. I am going to the service with my head held high and I may even go to the restaurant afterwards.

"Luke, we are definitely going to the service tomorrow. I am also planning on going to the restaurant after the service. You might want to advise Taylor, just to make sure my attendance will not be a problem." Yes, I know Luke talks to Taylor. I don't have a problem with that because I know their friendship is what keeps them both grounded and sane. They need each other.

Taylor POV

Luke just called and told me Ana is attending. Thank god for small favors. Now all I have to do is get her and Christian close enough to pass these damn envelopes to them. Tomorrow will be interesting to say the least.

Christian POV

Once again I am staring out the window in Linda's room watching the rain fall from the sky. Tears from heaven, that is what Linda said rain was. Tomorrow I bury yet another friend. It seems I am destined to lose those I care about. At least I didn't hurt Linda. She was so accepting of her fate. There was nothing my money or power could do to stop or change what fate had in store for her. As she said, sometimes things just happen. Linda was a wise woman. Perhaps I should have listened to her years ago. What do they say about hindsight? At least the last few months she did not have worry. We got her legal affairs in order. That is what was most important to her, not the fact that she was dying, but that something so dear to her heart would remain intact. She was at peace. The world was a better place having her in it. She will be missed. I don't think anyone will say the same about me when I finally die.

Looking around the room, I am enveloped in the warmth and homey feeling it gives off. Linda had a very simple way of living. Surround yourself with things that only made you feel joy. She kept very little from her home, when she sold it and moved here. As my eyes fall on the picture frame by her bed, my hand goes to my pocket and touch the note that I have been carrying with me.

Quickly I leave the room. It was comforting for a time, but the photo just brought back all the pain and heartache I have felt for the past 5 years. I am heading toward my study. I need a drink and I have to check my emails. I haven't been in the office all week and won't be returning until Monday. Roz is doing an outstanding job, but I still have to know what is happening.

As I am reading my emails I find myself tracing the grey A on the front of the note with my fingers. I wonder if she will come tomorrow. I shouldn't expect her to. I mean why would she? She knew Linda, on a purely social basis. They weren't friends. She wouldn't put herself in a situation where she will have to see my family. Another thing I fucked up. The only family she really had and I took that from her too.

My family was furious with me when I divorced Ana. It took them a very long time to come to grips with it. But, being my family they did not abandon me. For that I am thankful. My mother tried to include Ana in all of her social events, but Ana just sent checks and never attended. I am sure my mother has never forgiven me for the loss of Ana, her second daughter. As far as I know Ana has not had any interaction with any of my family. Kate told me that the one and only time she spoke with Ana after the divorce Ana told her that as much as it hurt, she could not continue the relationships she had built with the Grey family, Kate included. She had to start over. She needed to rebuild. Kate doesn't speak to me to this day.

So, why would she put herself in the position of having to see my family tomorrow? She is a confident, strong woman. She won't open herself to a situation where she could be hurt again.

The tears from heaven are still falling as are the tears from my eyes.

"Sir, wake up." I hear Taylor's voice. "Sir, you have to get ready it's almost time to leave for the cemetery."

Shit, I must have fallen asleep. Well that is first. In the past week I can count on both hands the number of hours I have slept. "Taylor, I will be ready in 30." I have thought of asking him if he knows if Ana is attending, but changed my mind. I don't want hear the word that I know he would say.

I just need to get through today.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 – Linda's Funeral – Part Two

TPOV

I found the boss asleep in his study. Well sleep anywhere is still sleep. I know for a fact that in the past week he only has slept at the most 2 hours a night. He just roams around the penthouse. He spent a lot of time in Linda's room. Gail is torn about what to do with that room. It is so homey and comfortable; she doesn't want to turn it back to a sterile guest room. She says she finds serenity in there. She will pack the few personal possessions that Linda had and store them in the closet. I guess this something she will have to discuss with the boss. Who knows what he wants to do with the room.

Gail and I are waiting for him in the foyer. He said he would be ready to leave in 30 minutes. I have no idea what man will be getting the car with us, the CEO I know from GEH or the broken man I have witnessed over the past 5 years, made much worse in the past weeks. I don't know how he does it, switching between the two. I guess all he really has in life is his company and he can't afford to lose that to.

The relationship with his family is strained. They didn't abandon him, but they certainly let him know how they felt. I can honestly say I have never seen Grace so angry when he told them he divorced Ana. I thought I was actually going to have to restrain her. Flynn washed his hands of him. And of course the boss didn't seek out anyone else to talk to. Gail and I are the only people outside of work that he has to interact with. I would have left years ago, but my kind, loving wife wouldn't hear of it. She thinks of him as her child and refused to abandon him, not matter what.

We all moved back to Escala and the night Christian refused Ana access to the penthouse, he got drunk. Christian drunk means that he wants to talk. That is probably the only time his CEO persona is completely gone. After each drink he would throw the glass against the wall screaming "I am nothing without her". Gail was having a fit and told me I needed to go out there and stop him. I figured let him go. It was his wall and his glasses. My wife on the other hand had a different idea and threatened me within an inch of my life if I didn't stop him.

I finally got him settled down, and then he started to tell me what he was doing and why. I know from past experience you cannot reason with someone who is drunk, but in Christian's case, I knew I had to try. I knew that in the morning CEO Christian would be back and I would not have the opportunity. Strike while the iron is hot. I told him that it was not worth throwing his life away. His life was with Ana. His reasoning was beyond flawed, it was totally fucked up.

Obviously he either didn't hear me or just chose to ignore me as evidenced by the reason my wife and I are standing here waiting for him.

Finally, he comes toward us. He looks like hell. Don't get me wrong, he is showered and clean shaven and of course smartly dressed. I notice he is wearing 'the grey tie'. But, his eyes are dull; there is no life in them at all. He is pale, and his face is just plain sad. I guess I don't have the CEO persona with me today. I wonder if I tell him Ana will there if it would make a difference. No, I made the decision yesterday I would not tell him. Like Sawyer said, she kept vacillating and even though yesterday she said she was coming, today may be another story. I don't need my wife to tell me he can't take another blow.

We are on our way to the cemetery and I hope that I can complete the mission I have been tasked with today by Linda.

Ana POV

Oh my goodness, what does one wear to the funeral of your ex-husband's current wife? Kate would know. Oh right, I haven't talked to Kate in 5 years. I pulled a 'Christian Grey move' and decided that I would not put my best friend in the middle of my messy life. After all she is now a Grey. The last time I spoke with her I told her I needed to heal and to rebuild my life. I needed to start over. She seemed to understand, of course she was my best friend, why wouldn't she. And to my great surprise she left me alone. I know her and Elliot are doing well. They started a family. Hard to imagine Kate a mother. It would have been nice to have Kate around, but I just couldn't do that to her. She would always be balancing our friendship with her loyalty to Elliot and the Greys'.

I keep searching for something to wear. I come across the plum colored dress that Kate gave me. She said I looked good in it. She said it gave me confidence. Boy do I need confidence today! Decision made, but I will be wearing flats today. I don't want to fall on my face walking through a cemetery in heels. Clumsy is still my style. I can't count how many times Luke has had to catch me because I trip over something. I don't want to make a scene today. Actually, all I really want to do is fade into the background and just observe. I am just not sure how this is going to play out. Guess I didn't think this through. I am sure that all of Christian's family will be there. Through the years Grace has tried to include me in all her charities. I have always sent a check, but have never attended. I didn't want to come face to face with Christian. I am not sure I want to face him today. I know though, I am never going to every totally heal until I do. Perhaps, after today it will be easier to see him. I still want a discussion with him. He owes me that much. In so many ways I am not the woman he walked out on. I have proven to myself that I am his equal. I am successful. I love GP and all that it represents. I made it what is today. I finally love myself for who I am. I still have my moments of insecurity, but doesn't everyone. I control my life and the direction it is going. I don't "need" a man; I don't "need" Christian. But, god forgive me, I still to this day want him as part of my life.

"Sawyer, I am ready to leave. Can you make sure that we are among the last to arrive. I want to be in rear, as far away from the front as possible." "Of course Ms. Steele, will you be going to the restaurant afterwards, I need to make sure so that I can double check security."

"Yes I will be going to the restaurant, be it only briefly."

I have to see him today. I have to know that my broken Fifty is not totally shattered.

Christian POV

I have taken my seat in the front row facing the casket. The service is about to begin. The sadness is overwhelming. Another friend is gone. Linda planned the entire service a few weeks ago. I notice the large vase of red roses. Those are the only flowers she wanted and had left explicit instructions that any other flowers were to be placed in the Children's Wing of the hospital. She wanted the children to have some color in their world as they were healing. I see her wishes were honored.

My family is here as well as Roz and Andrea. My security team is here albeit they are working. Gail and Taylor are sitting beside me. Most of the people here I don't know. They must be Linda's friends. She touched so many lives it is no wonder the tent is filled. As I am reflecting on all of this, I feel it. The electricity is filling the air. Ana is here.

She came. I don't see her. I can't turn around to look. But I feel her. It surprises me that I still can. The last time I felt her was the awards ceremony where she received an award to being the CEO of the year. That was the year Grey Publishing became the number one publishing house in the United States. I was so proud of her. GEH bought a table and I was already at the table, when I felt her walk into the room. I turned towards the door. She was so beautiful. Those blue eyes were shining as bright as the night stars on a cloudless evening. She took my breath away. She didn't see me. See was with Hannah and Sawyer. I think Sawyer purposefully blocked her view in my direction. Not that I blame him. While she gave her acceptance speech I was outside the room. I heard her, she sounded so confident and her speech was inspiring, but I didn't want her to see me and spoil this evening for her. I left after she was finished speaking.

The music brings me back to reality. I have to chuckle as I hear the song Linda chose for ending her service. Only she would have _Sounds of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel_ played as she is laid to rest. My mother picks the first rose from the vase and places it on top of the casket. Everyone in the tent follows suit. I will place the final rose on top of my friend's casket. Suddenly the current in the air is gone. Ana is gone.

Taylor whispers to me that everyone has left. I should place the last flower so that we can get to the restaurant. Slowly, I rise from the chair and go to the vase and take the last rose in my hand. Standing in front of the casket I begin to speak, the only person left who may hear me is Taylor. "Linda, you were a good friend. You were a bright spot in this dismal world. You were so wise and yes, I did hear you. Please don't haunt me. You knew me better than I knew myself. I hope you are finally at peace. The last 5 years were not kind to you. I envied the grace and poise you showed all these years. Your thoughtfulness and caring ways will be missed. Good-bye, my dear, dear, friend." I place the rose to my lips and place it on the casket.

I turn to Taylor and we head to the car. Soon this day will be over.

xxxxxxx

A/N: The next two chapters will be the letters. First Christian then Ana.

Thank you all for following, reading and reviewing this story. I remain humbled by the comments. Some of you are on the right track is to why and I really hope I don't disappoint you. Many feel that there should not be a HEA. I am sure that no matter how this ends someone will be disappointed. All I can ask of you is to consider the characters and understand what has happened in the past 5 years. These two seem destined to be tied to each other in some form.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 – The Letters

Taylor POV

Sawyer just sent me a text that he and Ana are at the restaurant. One hurdle out of the way. Now what to do with the blubbering mess in the back seat.

I know he knew Ana was at the cemetery. I always marveled at the way they each knew when the other entered a room. The years apart have not changed that. Gail and I called it the 'greying sense'. I noticed his change in posture as he was sitting there just staring into space. It changed again when the tent had emptied and he approached the casket. She chose not to come forward during the laying of the roses. I can understand that. I think she was brave to even come. I am sure she didn't know what to expect.

I am not sure whether the tears are for Linda or Ana. All I know, is I have to get him to pull himself together and get these damn letters out of my jacket and into their hands. I cannot fail.

"Sir, we have arrived at the restaurant." No response. I look at Gail and just shrug my shoulders. I am out of my realm with this situation. Gail opens her door and exits the car. She then climbs into the back seat and damn doesn't she take him in her arms and holds him, like a mother holding a child, that just fell down and was hurt. He keeps mumbling 'she left me'. Haven't a clue which one he means. With any luck Gail can get him together enough so that we can go in and just get this over with. I have to get this done so that I can go back to doing my job. This is more stressful than a bad day at GEH.

I get out of the car and am just standing near it waiting. If they don't soon come out, I am going to go get Grace. She can handle her son. I check with the other security to make sure everything is alright. I also text Sawyer that we be coming in shortly (I hope) and to please try to keep Ana there.

Finally! The back door opens and Christian emerges along with my wonderful wife. I don't know what she said to him or did, but I am so thankful she did it. I owe her big time.

As we enter the restaurant, Grace grabs her son and steers him toward the family table. Shit. I hope she tells him he has to circulate and thank people for coming. If she makes him sit there with them I am screwed, because I would bet my life, that Ana will not approach that table.

I am checking the room and locate where Ana and Sawyer are seated. They are sitting with a few people from Linda's company. Ana is not clearly visible, because Sawyer is sitting next to her, but at least I have an idea which way I need to steer Christian toward. Maybe his 'greying sense' will take over and I won't have to worry about it.

It appears that everyone is almost finished eating. I notice Gail and Grace whispering to Christian. If I know my wife, she is helping Grace convince him he has to circulate. Between those two women, he doesn't have a chance. I should see him on his feet in a few minutes.

Finally, he is starting to move. I notice that Gail is shadowing him. She knows what needs to happen. Hopefully this is going to be easier than I thought. God, I love that woman! As Christian approaches each table I notice he is pausing to make sure he speaks to each person seated. I also notice that after speaking with him, most people are leaving. Oh, I pray Sawyer can come through for me and not let Ana leave.

Ana's table is next. Sawyer knows my plan. I do not want to do this in front of anyone. So we are going to go to the Manager's office in the back. I am going to use my CPO voice and get them to come with us. This should be over in the next 10 minutes. Gail is behind Christian, I am to his right and he is now face to face with Ana's CPO.

"Luke, Ana", I hear him say. "Christian", Ana acknowledges him.

"Mr. Grey, Luke, Ms. Steele, come with me, now." I even fooled myself with that voice. Gail gives Christian a sharp nudge and Luke has Ana in tow and we are now in the Manager's office.

Ana is staring at Luke with her arms crossed across her chest, Christian is staring at Ana, before Ana can start reaming out Luke, I begin.

"Mr. Grey, Ms. Steele I have been instructed by Linda to give you these envelopes. Her final wish is that you each read them privately and this evening." With both of them now glaring at me, I try to hand them the envelopes. Christian grabs his and I am sure he wants to tell me I am fired. Ana reaches toward the envelope and hesitates. She looks into Christian's eyes since he has now turned toward her, like he is going to speak. She takes the envelope and brushes past Christian and is headed toward the exit. I catch Luke's eyes and mouth 'sorry and thanks'. I will call him later. I know he is going to get an earful from Ana.

"Taylor, pick me up at my parent's house in two hours. I am leaving with my mother, now." And with those words he storms from the office and I sit down in the chair at the desk and just take a very deep breathe. Gail comes in and tells me that went relatively well. I just start to laugh.

Christian POV

I am in the car on the way to the restaurant and I can't stop the flow of tears. Ana came. She didn't come forward at the end, she just left. I wish I could have seen her. I wanted to see her. She just left. I must really be a mess because Gail is holding me and telling me that it is okay and that I must go into the restaurant people are waiting on me to show up so they can eat. I pull myself together and along with Taylor and Gail I go in. My mother grabs me and hugs me as soon as I am in the door and takes me to the family table.

Ana is in her somewhere. I can feel her. I want to find her, but I can't seem to move. Everyone is almost finished eating and Gail and my mother are telling me I have to go greet people and thank them for coming. Gail says she will walk with me. The tables of people are just a blur. Until I get to the table near the rear of the room. I see her! She has on the plum dress that she wore the first night I took her to dinner. She is stunning. Before I can say anything other than her name Taylor is telling me, Ana and Luke we must come with him. He is using his "there is danger" voice, so I know it must be serious. After all he is in charge of security. I feel a hard nudge in my back from Gail, so I start moving.

The four of us are standing in the Manager's office. I can't take my eyes off of Ana. She is absolutely beautiful even though she is thoroughly pissed off right now. If those blue eyes could spit daggers, poor Luke would either blind or dead. Taylor starts to speak so I turn toward him, taking side glances of Ana as she too has faced Taylor. My brain is having trouble processing Taylor's words, because I am too busy paying attention to the angel in the room. I hear Linda, instructions, envelope, read this evening. What the fuck. I grab the envelope from him. He is fired! Then Ana's eyes meet mine. Behind the anger I see a flash of something else. And then she is gone!

I need some space. I need to get away from Taylor right now. I tell him to pick me up at my parent's house in two hours. I can at least walk around the property at the family home and try to figure out what the hell happened today. What could Linda have left to say to me and it is beyond my comprehension what she would have to say to Ana. They only saw each other a couple of times at my mother's charity events.

The down time with my parents helped clear my head a bit. Back at Escala, I take the envelope out of my jacket pocket and toss it on the dining room table. I need to get out of this suit and god knows I need a drink. I also need to fire Taylor.

I'm showered, have put on my jeans and a t-shirt, opened a bottle of wine and am sitting on the sofa in the great room with Linda's letter in my hand. No time better than the present to read it.

 _Christian,_

 _If Jason has followed through with my request, you are reading this on the night you have placed me at rest, next to my beloved John. Do not fire Taylor! He is doing me one last favor._

 **I shake my head smiling. She really did know me. Okay, for Linda I will not fire him.**

 _You are a very good friend. There are not many people in this world that would do what you have done other than perhaps John. But I am not sure even he would have taken things as far as you did!_

I am glad you thought so highly of me. Of course I go to the extreme. After all I am Christian Grey. You hated when I used that phrase. You told me it made me sound like an ass.

 _I know you and John were great business partners and friends and that his loss hit you hard. John was the love of my life and as you know he would do anything for anyone. Many times he would leave me sitting at the kitchen table, when a friend would call needing help. I always smile when I think of those times. He would rush out the door, only to rush back in to give me a kiss good-bye and tell me he loved me. We had a wonderful marriage._

John was a good friend. I knew I could depend on him. He pulled my ass out of the fire many times, when I couldn't get food shipped in a timely manner overseas. He dropped everything he had going on to make sure it got to its destination safely and intact. Quite a feat with some of places we were trying to help.

 _John would always joke that our marriage was above and beyond that Grey guy's marriage. We would both chuckle knowing that we had the happy ever after and were living our life to the fullest. As were you and Ana._

You two were a great couple. He would tell me his love for you was greater than the love I had for Ana. We joke about how we would prove it. I am so sorry I took that away from you.

 _That day, 5 years ago, when you called and asked to come by, I knew that it was not going to be anything good. John had been gone for weeks and I haven't heard from him for several days. I was missing him so much. John was so excited to be going with the crew to make sure the Somalia aid shipment got to its destination. He never was a hands-on CEO unless it involved you. We both knew that it was risky, but again, his helping nature would prevail. I could tell by your face, when I answered the door that John was gone. Your eyes always give you away. I don't know who was hurting more that day, but looking back I believe it was you._

I told him not to go. I told him it wasn't safe. He told me that this would be the last time he would travel with a shipment to Somalia, but he had to go because his head foreman couldn't go. Someone had to be in charge of the crew. Why the hell didn't I just cancel that shipment? It wasn't worth losing a good friend. But John wouldn't let anyone go hungry either. He would have argued with me about cancelling.

 _Your help with all of the funeral arrangements and the legal aspects of the business was invaluable. Imagine my surprise when the will was read and John left the entire business to me with the stipulation that it cannot be sold but it could be transferred to my next husband. How crazy was he? He expected me to remarry. Like that was going to happen. I know he wanted me to love again, but once you have had the best, you won't settle for second best! He knew I didn't know crap about running a shipping company. But then you stepped in and offered your help to make sure I didn't bankrupt John's legacy. For that I was always grateful. Then the fateful doctor's diagnosis of cancer and the small amount of time I had to left on this earth. I remember the day I came to your office to discuss the financials of the shipping company. You could tell my mind was not on business. You finally went all CEO on me and demanded I tell you what was going on. You could be such an ass at times. I didn't want to tell you. You had spent the last 4½ years making sure what John built stayed solid, and that I had a comfortable income to live on. You wouldn't let it go. You always have to have an answer. It doesn't matter if the other person wants to give you one or not. By the way your bullying ways are quite effective. However you should be careful when you use them. I would suggest that you never again use them on someone you really love or care about._

Yes, Linda you did not have a head for business. It was my responsibility to make sure John's business thrived. If it wouldn't have been for me, he would still be running it. He loved you so much that he didn't want you to spend the rest of your life mourning him. I know where you are coming from with once you have had best you can't settle for anything less. You and I were much alike. We both only loved one person in our life. Your face always gave you away. I could tell something was very wrong that day. I just couldn't understand why you wouldn't tell me. I'm not a bully, am I?

 _Christian, dying was the least of my worries. I was more afraid of losing everything John worked for. What would happen to his company? I spoke with lawyers regarding the transfer clause and they tried to find a way around it, but they always came up with "nothing can be done." I couldn't even transfer it to you in my will. The lawyers were adamant about that._

 _Once I finally bared my soul to you, and I do give you credit you actually did listen to me. Not your strong suit by the way, listening. But you did impress me until you opened your mouth and blurted out "I will marry you."_

I remember that! It just popped out. It was my solution to a bad situation. I didn't want you to worry about John's business. I wanted you to concentrate on getting better. You were my friend. I didn't want to lose you too. You are so right. I do not listen. But I have been working on that. Hopefully I am getting better.

 _Excuse me Mr. Grey, but I don't think that is what John had in mind when he wrote his will with his strange stipulation. I know John wanted me to find love again, but I just wasn't ready and then to find out you are dying, there was just no way was I going to put any man through that. Only you would find me marrying you a proper solution._

I'm positive that John did not have that in mind! I am sure if he was watching over you he choked on his beer when I came up with my very proper solution. Special situations require creative solutions. I am chuckling to myself with that picture in my mind. I was surprised by his stipulation though. He never mentioned it to me. I know he didn't want his business to fail or to be bought out. If he would have said something I am sure my legal team would have come up with a better solution.

 _Remember me telling you that if your legal team could not find an 'out' of legal stipulation in the will, we could revisit your "solution"? I thought you were going to have a stroke. You were so angry that you were pulling hair out of your head! All I could do was laugh. I do thank you for that. It felt good to laugh. Of course my laughing just made it worse for you. I guess my attempt at negotiation was a failure. You had your mind made up to the solution to my situation._

Women! Why can't they just say yes! I am totally clueless when it comes to female thinking.

 _Of course you got you way and you now have John's company. Of that I am glad. I know he would want you to be the one that will continue his legacy. I appreciate that you will just put it under the GEH umbrella and that it will continue to carry John's name. Thank you so much._

I never wanted John's company. I wanted John back. He was my friend. I wanted to watch him grow and succeed. It is just as important to me that his legacy lives on. He was a good man. He was honest and loyal and trustworthy.

 _Christian, these past several months have been hard on you. They were no picnic for me either. But one thing I learned about you is that you have thrown away the love of your life, and that you need to stop and listen to what I am going to tell you._

 _Number One: YOU are NOT responsible for John's death. John was doing what he loved, helping others. It was your shipment, but you did not set the bomb that destroyed the ship. Sometimes things happen. STOP WITH THE GUILT!_

Guilt. Oh, Linda you will never know. John died because of me. His loyalty cost him his life.

 _Number Two: You have to make amends to Ana. You have to tell her why. She deserves that. And if you are damn lucky, she may just allow you back into her life. In what form that will be depends on YOU. Christian, you have followed her career for the past 5 years and you are so proud of what she has become. You have always loved her and still do love her. Your heart belongs to no other. An Author, a fantastic CEO, Grey Publishing is the number one publishing house in the county. You didn't destroy her and had you stayed married to her you wouldn't have destroyed her either. You are powerful, but you do not have that kind of power. She is a strong woman. She is the woman you can have your happy ever after with. John would kick your ass if he knew what you did to her after his death. STOP believing that you destroy anyone you care about or heaven forbid love! You and you alone fulfill that prophecy by your actions. You alone destroyed your own happily ever after because you were to damn stubborn to listen to me 5 years ago. Listen to me now!_

I told you Ana was so much like John. Loyal to a fault. I told you that if I couldn't keep John safe, how the hell was I going to be able to keep Ana safe. You kept telling me I was looking at it all wrong. I couldn't see that, John was dead, you were grief stricken and it was all my doing. I had to let Ana go for her sake. At least I knew she would be safe. You are right. I do still love her. I will always love her.

She is strong, successful, confident and one helluva a CEO. I had nothing to do with that. She did that all on her own. Would she have become all that she is now if we were still together? I guess we will never know, because yes, Linda, I was stubborn. I do regret not listening to you 5 years ago. You were right. I should have sat down with Ana and told her everything that had happened and how I felt guilty and how I felt about keeping her safe. But to be honest Linda, I don't think she is interested in hearing it now. I fear it is too little too late.

 _Number Three: Know that you are a good person beneath that strong, bullying CEO that you show the world. Let the world in and let them see the kind, generous, caring person you really are. You proved this over and over, and the last few months, you did your best to make sure I was comfortable and not suffering. I know you didn't love me, and I wouldn't have expected you to, but your attitude towards me made me feel the love of a wonderful friend in my final days._

I am so thankful you felt this way. Watching your friend slowly dying and knowing there is nothing that you can do makes you feel helpless. My heart ached for you. You were loved my good friend. What the hell is it with the women in my life who see me so differently than I see me. You, Ana, Grace. Shit, what did Flynn call it? I remember self-loathing.

 _Number Four: John and I will be watching you. Go fix your life. Be happy. Enjoy the simple moments and things. Make the last 5 years count for something. Heal. Allow my dying be the catalyst that sets you free. That is my gift to you. John always told me that you were so serious and intense. During your time at Harvard and having John as your friend couldn't even temper that intensity. He was so laid-back. You two were the true odd couple. Then when you were the best man at our wedding before you left school, I saw what John saw in you. Remember, I told you if you didn't set straight what you did 5 years ago, I would haunt you for all time. Well, I mean it and John will help me!_

 _Fondly yours,_

 _Linda_

There are tears streaming down my cheeks. Oh, Linda, you were so wise. I wish I would have listened to you more. You have given me tasks to achieve. In your honor, I pledge that I will do my very best to fulfill them. For you!

Xxxxxxx

The next chapter will be Ana's letter. I expect to post it either late Saturday evening or Sunday morning. This is very difficult to write and I want to get it right.

To the Guest reviewers that continually find fault with my logic, or picking at the taking back of a gift or anything legal, you will have a field day with this chapter. This is fiction, and therefore, anything is possible. You will not deter me from completing this journey.

To all the other reviewers and followers, THANK YOU! You are totally awesome.


	8. Chapter 8 - Linda's Letter to Ann

Chapter 8 – Linda's letter to Ana

Sawyer POV

Ana is pissed! She is swearing like a drunken sailor and I haven't heard that language from her since Grey told her he wanted a divorce. She stormed out of the restaurant and demanded we immediately go home. This is going to be a very long car ride! At least Taylor can say "mission accomplished." However, tomorrow neither of us may be employed. I saw the look in Grey's eyes. He was ready to go ballistic. I bet Taylor's night is going to be hell.

The cemetery went fine. I made sure Ana was far back in the tent. She didn't want to go forward during the laying of the flowers so we left for the restaurant. Per T's instructions I found a table toward the rear of the room for Ana and me. It took Grey forever to get there. I was getting worried that Ana would want to leave. Then several of Linda's employees joined us and Ana fell into a comfortable conversation with them. At one point I noticed that Ana's posture changed and her breathing quicken. Looking around I saw that Grey had entered the building. Some things never change!

Grey finally got his ass moving and was making his way toward us. He stopped and acknowledged me, then Ana. She looked at him and said his name, and then T executed his plan. Grey was staring at Ana and Ana was staring at me with pure death threats in her eyes. I didn't think T was ever going to speak. Finally, Ana turned to T. Grey being the ass that he is grabbed the envelope from T. Ana, on the other hand was hesitant. I was betting she wasn't going to take it, but then she looked into Grey's eyes and took the envelope from T and immediately stomped out of the room brushing past Grey. I turned and followed her out. She was in the car before I got out of the restaurant. I should address that as it was a huge security breach, but I best keep my mouth shut for now, if I have any hope of staying employed.

Ana POV

"Luke Sawyer what the fuck just happened in there? I am so pissed off right now. Why in the hell would you let Taylor ambush me like that? If I find out, and I will, that you were in on this stunt, you are fired!" "Take me home, and do not say one word to me until I speak to you again, which may be never."

I am so pissed off. This is not the outcome I expected for today. Well, I'm not sure what I really expected to accomplish today, but I know it damn well was not what just happened.

The cemetery went well. Luke made sure I was in the rear, where I could still see Christian, but he couldn't see me. He knew I was there. I saw him straighten up as soon as I arrived. I felt him. He felt me. Some things never change. When they started the laying of the roses, I left. I didn't want to see him.

At the restaurant I saw the Grey family at their table. There was no way I was going to walk over to them. Grace seemed distressed. I am sure it had to do with the fact that everyone was here and there was no Christian. He was probably on a business call. I was talking with some of Linda's employees and I knew he walked in. Looking up I saw him. His eyes were red from crying and he looked so sad, so broken. Grace led him to the family table.

We finished eating and I wanted to leave but noticed that Christian had started to make his rounds to the tables. It would be rude of me to leave now. Then I felt him. He was next to us. Oh my God, he on that damn grey tie that I love.

Then all hell breaks loose. Taylor is acting like there is a major threat and I am being herded into an office. Sawyer is right behind me. The door slams shut and it is just the four of us. What the hell is going on? I am about ready to kill Sawyer. I don't say a word, but he knows by the look I am giving him and my posture. I feel Christian's eyes on me. I can't look at him. Then Taylor starts his spiel about letters and reading and oh hell, I don't remember what else. I kept my eyes focused on Taylor, but caught Christian glancing sideways at me. I am pretty sure he noticed and remembered the dress I was wearing. I didn't want to take the damn letter from Taylor, but then I look directly at Christian, and there was something in his eyes, so I took the letter and stomped out the door brushing past Christian. The electric shock I felt in that second frightened me. I was in the car before Sawyer even made it out of the building. If it would be a normal day, I am sure I would be getting a lecture about security protocol. Today is not a normal day.

We are finally pulling into the driveway, the car is barely stopped and I get out and slam the car door so hard I made the glass rattle. I head in to the house and all I want is a drink and too get out of this damn dress, take a shower and get into my comfy sweats.

I toss the damn letter on the dining room table and head to my bedroom. As I am showering I try to remember what Taylor said. I think it was something about reading the letter tonight. Why the hell would I read a letter from Christian's wife? What could she possibly have to say to me? Hell, I didn't even know this woman! I finish my shower and get comfy and head to the kitchen for some wine. I pass the dining room table and see the letter. I keep going. I am not going to read it.

I should fire Luke. I know deep down he and Taylor conspired on today's stunt. I take my wine and go sit in front of the fireplace. Something is nagging at me about today. Christian's reaction to me has not waned. He wore that damn tie. What did I see in his eyes? It seemed to be a mixture of sadness and love. I am so fucking confused right now. I knew I shouldn't have gone today. What a disaster. On top of all this, there is that damn letter sitting on the table. It seems to be pulling me towards it. What the hell, I will read it like I read my manuscripts. No emotions involved. I think I need more wine.

On the way back from the kitchen, I grab the letter and settle back in. Let's get this shit done.

 _Dear Ana,_

 _I am sure you don't remember me, but we have met a few times at Grace's charity events. I was with my husband John. You are probably wondering why I am writing to you. I will get to that, but first, I beg you to continue reading._

 _I wanted Taylor to give you and Christian your letters at the same time so that you both knew I wrote to each of you. In Christian's letter I told him not to fire Taylor. I am asking you not fire Sawyer and to go easy on Taylor. He was just doing me one last favor._

 _This is really Christian's story to tell, but we both know, he is clueless when it comes to emotions and expressing them. He only knows one way and that is to control._

 _I married the most wonderful man in the world 15 years ago. John was a loving, generous, caring person. He would do anything for anyone. He was always helping neighbors with projects and oh, he had such a soft spot for the elderly widows in our neighborhood. It seemed he was always fixing something for them. He hated to see anyone in need. The phone would ring, and out the door he would go. Sometimes he would remember to come back and give me a kiss and tell me he loved me._

 _John's dream was to own his own shipping company. He didn't want to get rich; he just wanted to be his own boss. When he graduated from Harvard, he didn't know whether to settle on the east coast or the west coast. He called Christian to get his advice. By then GEH was on its way and Christian was semi-famous. Christian told John to come to Seattle. It would be a great place for him to start and as he grew he could expand to the east coast. John just laughed. He did not have the same desires as Christian. He had no intention of expanding he just wanted to have a good solid profession. He did take Christian's advice to settle in Seattle._

 _We lived a simple life. We enjoyed our time with each other. We wanted a family, but it was not to be. We were content with our lives. We had our happy ever after._

 _5 years ago my life was turned upside down. John was killed while he was helping a friend. That friend was Christian._

 _John and he met their first year at Harvard and Christian was our best man when we got married just before Christian left Harvard. When we moved back to Seattle and John was starting his business they would get together for lunch a couple of times of month so that John could bounce ideas off of Christian. I always referred to them as the odd couple. Christian so intense and John so laid-back, it always struck me how they complimented each other. Sometimes John would get Christian to come to the house for dinner. It was like pulling teeth, but John had his own way of handling Christian._

 _I would wager a bet that this is the first time you are hearing about this friendship. If I know Christian, he would not share this information with you. His need to protect 'all things Christian' would have kicked in and that is just how it had to be in his world. He compartmentalizes so much in his life. He never wants his worlds to collide or intersect with each other. His keeping secrets can be so maddening._

 _John and I were thrilled when Christian fell in love with you. Yes, he did share with John that you were the love of his life. We were shocked when he told us about you. John and I figured we would someday read in the local news that he married. We knew he finally found his happy ever after. We saw the change in him. He was actually happy._

 _Ana, I cannot tell you what happened 5 years ago. I would love to. But that part of the story can only be told by Christian. Just know that he would not listen to me that day and I didn't have the knack that John did to get him to listen. I told him not to react, as we both know he does. I told him to sit down with you and talk. He needed you during this time. But, being the 'omnipotent Christian Grey' he chose the path that he did._

 _Then, 6 months ago I was given a short time to live. Cancer sucks! My loving, caring husband had the most bizarre stipulation in his will. His company could only be transferred to the man I remarried. He wanted to make sure that the company could not be sold. He knew I sucked at business. Why he thought I would remarry is beyond me. I already had the best there was. Christian has been helping me the past 4 ½ years to make sure I kept John's legacy alive. That was the most important thing to me. I couldn't lose that too. Christian's advice was invaluable. He never put any money into the company because John had a very solid business. Now I was dying and had no clue what would happen to the business. I tried to give the company to Christian in my will, but my attorneys nixed that. They said it was not possible._

 _Christian's solution was to marry me so that I could transfer the company to him and he would put it under GEH but only to protect it so that John's legacy will live on. I am sure since this is also Christian's story to tell he can explain it better. I tried to negotiate with him but I was way out of my league. So 5 months ago he married me. A marriage, on paper only. He has helped me put all of my affairs in order and has promised that I will be laid to rest next to the love of my life._

 _Christian did not love me, he has only loved you. I loved him like a friend. The love of my life died 5 years ago. Christian has been a wonderful friend these past months. He made sure I was comfortable. He hated seeing me suffering. Most men are like that though. This time was not easy on him, either. I am sure it brought back all the pain of 5 years ago. We had time to talk. We talked about John. But Christian mostly talked about you. He told me how ruthless he was to you the day he told you he wanted a divorce. I was appalled. He had his reasons, but that is for him to explain._

 _He would recite your accomplishments. He has read your book at least 16 times. Gail says it sits on his bedside table. She made a mistake when she was cleaning and put in his study. He had the biggest tantrum. I just laughed at him. He is so proud of you. He talked about his love for you and the life he had hoped to have with you. There was always regret in his voice and his eyes when he spoke about anything "Ana"._

 _In my letter to Christian, I have given him four tasks to accomplish. One of those to make amends to you. I only ask that you give it some thought. I know I have no right to ask anything of you. But, I am a true romantic and believe everyone should have their own happy ever after. I know how mine felt. I just want Christian to be happy. I truly believe that he will never be happy unless you are a part of his life in some capacity. You may share this letter with him, and let him know it is fine with me to share his letter with you. That is if you choose to talk to him. What he did 5 years ago to you was just plain wrong._

 _I also told him I would haunt him if he didn't set straight what he started 5 years ago. He knows I will!_

 _Fondly,_

 _Linda_

Oh my God. I have read this letter 3 times. Each time I cry harder. I am having difficulty digesting it. She only married Christian 5 months ago. It was a marriage of convenience. She needed to protect her dead husband's legacy. It seems that is all she lived for. John was the love of her life and she would do anything to honor that love. I know that feeling. I would have done anything to keep GEH going if something would have happened to Christian while we were married. Love makes you do strange things. I can feel for her. Her description of John makes him seem grounded and yes a bit quirky, but a caring person who loved her. He was Christian's friend. Why the hell didn't I know about them? I do remember them vaguely from the Coping Together Ball. He and Christian were huddled in the corner talking. I just assumed he was a business associate. Fifty and his damn secrets!

She keeps saying its Christian's story to tell. What the hell happened 5 years ago that made Christian react the way he did? I love her description of the omnipotent Christian Grey. She sure did know him!

The story about Gail made me laugh. Of course that is how Christian would act. The fact that she laughed too makes me think that she just let Christian's temper roll off her back.

I am shocked that he has kept track of my accomplishments. After all, he did tell me he didn't love me and that I was not enough. You can't get more fucking cruel than that. I will never forget those words or the venom in them when he said them. Although, I do remember, when I received the CEO of the year award, he was there. I saw him standing outside of the room during my speech and then he was gone. Yet she insists he never stopped loving me. He has regrets. He still loves me.

She told him to make amends to me. As much as I still love him, I am not sure if it is possible to make amends for his actions. It appears she placed the ball in Christian's court.

This letter has left me with so many questions. And at the same time it has explained so much to me. At the very least I now understand the marriage. That is so like Christian, loyal to a fault. What the hell was John doing to help Christian that got him killed? Why couldn't Christian tell me about it? Why couldn't he trust me? Why did he really divorce me? What the hell really happened 5 years ago?

I am exhausted. I need sleep. If the time comes that Christian reaches out to me, I will have to make a decision. There is no point in stressing about it now.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N There appears to be some confusion, so I am going to try to address the major ones. 1. Christian did not divorce Ana to marry Linda and get her husband's company. He didn't even want the company. (Chapter 7) 2. Linda and Ana were not friends. They were at the same social events several times. Ana vaguely remembers them (Chapter 8) 3. Christian was giving Linda advice to assure that her husband's company thrived. He only married her 5 months ago so that he could protect her husband's company because that was most important to her. (Chapter 8) 4. 5 years ago Linda tried to get Christian to listen to her and talk to Ana about what he was going through. He didn't listen (Chapters 7 and 8). I have provided the chapters in case you want to re-read. Again, thank you for all of your comments. I really appreciate the. (Some of you have some pretty harsh and unique ideas of what should be done to Christian or what he would have to do before he can talk to Ana. I just want to say I am glad I am on your good side. LOL)

Chapter 9

Ana POV

It's Saturday, usually I would be at the market picking up the things I need to cook for the week. Instead I am sitting at my desk gazing at the water in the Sound. I didn't sleep well last night. I tossed and turned and cried and tossed some more. In less than 24 hours my life has once again been turned upside down.

Before I forget, I should let Sawyer know that he is not fired and that I probably won't be leaving the house today. I really don't want to see him or anyone for that matter today, so I just send him a text.

That letter opened up old wounds. I feel so raw right now. I cannot allow myself to go back to where I was 5 years ago. I won't allow that. I am not that woman, today.

I was married at 21, divorced at 23. I am now a 28 year old CEO of a major publishing house. No, it is not major. It is the number one publishing house in the nation. I did that! No one else - just me. I hired the best people in the field, I sought out authors that I knew would be best sellers, and I made a small company huge. I am not weak.

It wasn't easy. It took me almost a year to get over the hurt, who the hell am I kidding, I still hurt, and to get my life in some semblance of order. Thank god I didn't have the financial worries that most divorced women face. Someone told me that it takes a divorcee about to two years to recover financially. The emotional toll can take much longer. Tell me about it. I'm still not sure I have recovered from the emotional backlash, and after yesterday I would have say that would be a resounding NO I haven't.

I have replayed that day in my head a million times. I knew, deep down inside that there was more going on than what Christian was telling me. That is why I went Escala that night. At least this letter has proved me right.

That man is beyond frustrating. Between his damn secrets, and what he believes is his god given right to make decisions for other people without even discussing anything with them, it makes you want to just chock him!

I have made peace with my life as it today. I am alone, but not lonely. I am comfortable in who I am. I took my maiden name back; it was the right thing to do. I was a Steele for 21 years and a Grey for 2. I go out. I do not want a relationship with a man but I enjoy the occasional theatre or non business dinner. My friends don't understand that, but they accept it. I have all the social obligations that are attached to GP and I have my volunteer work. I am well rounded for the most part. I am content, I am at peace. Well, at least I until yesterday.

After I was banned from Escala and the top floor of GEH and days of no communication with Christian, he wasn't returning phone calls or answering texts or emails, hell for all I know he had me blocked, I knew he was not going to talk to me. He has made the decision therefore that is what it would be. No matter what I did, I had lost Christian. If signed the divorce papers at least I would have my job. I could provide for myself. I just wanted the pain to stop. I signed his damn paperwork and gave it to Taylor to deliver to him. I did not keep that freaking appointment he set for that Monday. I was not his business associate I was his wife. I just saw no reason to face his apparent hatred again. After reading Linda's letter, that may have been my first mistake. Maybe I could have gotten him to talk to me. Maybe he would have told me what was really going on. Shaking my head I realize I can't go there. The Maybe road is a dead end.

I went to work every day. I was an emotional wreck. I at least I had to keep myself together for 8 hours a day. I couldn't eat. Bet if he knew that he would have been pissed off. Nothing would stay down. I hoped to just catch a glimpse of him in the building. Then I would go home and continue to grieve. I often wondered if Christian grieved. Probably not, his world was black and white. There was no room for gray areas. I don't remember when or how, but one day I realized that I had gotten into a routine, that didn't include anything having to do with Christian. That is when I decided that I had to rebuild and recover. That didn't happen overnight, it took months before I was able to say his name without a hitch in my voice.

One of the hardest days was the day I had to tell my daddy what had happened. As angry as I was at Christian, I didn't want my daddy going to jail for killing him. I debated how I wanted to tell him. I really didn't want to call him. Some news should never be given over a telephone or by text. So that left either me going to him or bringing him to me. As it turned out, he was going to be in the area for a job, so I invited him for dinner. At least concentrating on cooking would calm me and I might just get through what was sure to be a rough night. When he got here I ran to him and hugged him like I hadn't seen him for years. I think he knew something was wrong, but being Ray, he knew to wait and he get his answer. When we were sitting down to dinner, he asked if we were waiting for Christian, and that is when the flood gates opened. He just held me, like he did when I was little, and somehow, in between the sobs, I got out that we divorced and the facts as I knew them. He just kept holding me and kissing my forehead and telling me it would okay. He spent the night and in the morning I was much more coherent. I told him about the house and GP and that I hadn't spoken to Christian since the night he banned me from Escala. I told him everything. To his credit, he tempered his anger but he did threaten to kill Christian before he left. Boy, do I know my daddy. Since that day we talk weekly and he tells me how proud he is of me for all I have accomplished and the woman I have become. He knows I still love Christian, and deep down I think he has always hoped that we would get back together. He liked Christian. He really believed that Christian and I belonged together. This week's phone call should be interesting. I am not sure I want to tell him about Linda's letter and all that it reveals.

Funny, at first I never told anyone about what going on with Christian and me. Until I told my daddy the only person who knew was Luke. Eventually I told Hannah. She was a great friend, especially on those days where I was having difficulty concentrating and keeping things straight. I acted strong and unaffected around everyone else and I became strong.

Oh, darn, I forgot Luke and I are supposed to be at Hannah's for dinner. I reminisced the entire day away. I better get moving. I hit the intercom and tell Luke we need to leave in an hour. We are due at Hannah's for dinner and I head to the shower to get ready.

There is nothing I can do about the letter. I have to wait for Christian to make his move. Pigs might fly before that happens. You know you can't fix stupid and Christian Grey is stupid when it comes to matters of the heart.

Xxxxxx

Next chapter is Christian's POV. I am planning on having it ready for a Monday post.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Christian POV

I am so fucking tired. I got absolutely no sleep. Every time I dozed off I had nightmares. I finally gave up and just came out here to the piano. I can't even play anything. My mind is swirling with all of the shit from yesterday, mixed with all of the shit from that fateful day 5 years ago. Makes for one fucked up mind!

I don't even know where to begin to try to sort this mess out. I would call Flynn, but he kicked my ass to the curb 5 years ago and told me to come back when I really wanted help. The bastard wouldn't even listen to me last time. He said divorcing Ana was the most bizarre thing he had ever heard come from my mouth. I couldn't make him understand that it was necessary to keep her safe. Linda had a similar reaction. She told me not to react but to talk to Ana, and tell her everything. How I was feeling and why I was so freaking scared for her. She told me that John would be so disappointed in me if I went through with my insane plan. I figured what is one more person being disappointed in me, the list is long.

Just how the hell did Linda expect me fix my life? There isn't enough time in eternity to make amends to Ana. And ever if there was, I haven't a clue where to start.

At least I took care of one detail in that damn letter I sent a text to Taylor and told him he wasn't fired. I need to talk to him, but I am not sure I will make any sense. Why did she give Ana a letter? What could Linda possibly have to say to Ana?

I can't figure that out right now. Maybe Taylor knows. I will have to add that to the list of things I need to talk to him about.

I can run a multi-billion dollar company. I am ruthless in the board room. I don't hesitate to make decisions that are difficult. But I'll be damned if I can figure out how to have a personal life that is not fucked up. The one and only loving relationship I had in my life I destroyed.

The two years of my marriage were the best two years I can ever remember. I was happy. I laughed and had fun. I rejoined my family and learned to enjoy them. I could be touched. I felt love and I gave love. I felt whole. I have not felt that way since. I am alone. My family tolerates me, but their disappointment in me is evident. There is no other woman in my life and hasn't been since that day 5 years ago. Linda lived here for the past 5 months, but she was dying and it was my responsibility to make sure she was comfortable and could die in peace. According to her letter I at least did that right.

Every night when I would go to her room I would sit in the chair and we would talk. She was always holding the picture of her and John on their wedding day that she kept on the bed side table. She loved him so very much. She would do anything for him. I think she was so at peace with the fact that she was dying because she believed she was going to be with the love of her life again. She wanted to hear about Ana. I told her about how we met, our wedding and honeymoon, and about the love we had for each other. It was not unlike what she and John had. And like her I still loved Ana just as she loved John. There was no room in either of our hearts for anyone else.

A week after I moved back into Escala, I had the playroom destroyed. I had thought of returning to my life before Ana. But I knew that anyone I would take into that room would mean I was cheating on Ana. That I couldn't do. My punishment for what I did to Ana was celibacy. The least I could do was honor the vows I made to her. Crazy isn't it punishing myself for my own actions. Why can't I make people understand, I HAD to divorce Ana. God knows I didn't want to!

In order to be successful in my world, mergers and acquisitions, you never show your hand until you know can win. There are secrets and omissions. Some say it is a cut-throat business, and they may be right. But I didn't get to where I am by sharing information or as some say 'playing nice'. Nice is not a word that belongs in my world. I see a problem, analyze it, find a solution and execute it. It is just that simple. It is what I do. The fights that Ana and I had were always about not 'sharing' information with her and just acting without consulting her. I saw no need to 'consult' her; I had already taken the steps, analyze, find solution and acted. Why did I need to bother her with anything? There was no need for her to worry, problem solved. I did what I know I can do best. I admit that I was at least starting to tell her more. I still didn't feel I needed her input. Not that she wasn't smart enough, because she was. I was just more logical and knew what was needed.

One night, Linda was having a bad night and couldn't sleep. We were sitting in her room, talking, she was telling me about the fight her and John had a couple of days before he left for Somalia. He just flat out told he was going. People were dying; starving, hurting and they needed the shipment of food and aid supplies. End of discussion. Linda said she told him her was not going to pull "a Christian Grey" on her. I chuckled at that, but asked her to explain what she meant. She told me I was like a bulldozer. I made decisions and just charged ahead with making sure that I got the outcome I wanted or thought someone else wanted or needed. I never asked. I never took the time to listen to the other person. She and John didn't operate like that. They discussed everything. They listened to each other and they kept no secrets from each other. She said most times, whatever the issue, they usually reached a compromise. They did not make final decisions for each other. I had a hard time processing that concept. But, I think I am beginning to understand. That is what she meant when she told me five years ago to not react and to go talk to Ana.

Looking back, Ana would have enjoyed John and Linda. I should have brought them together. I didn't want to share the friendship I had with them. A secret I kept from Ana, because I was selfish. There were enough people in our lives that I had to share Ana with, my family, her family, Kate, that fucker Jose and anyone else that Ana considered a friend, including my entire staff. I wanted her all to myself. Roz was my business friend. But, John and Linda were people that I didn't have to worry about how I acted or what I said around them. I could be just Christian Grey. I could put aside the darkness and just be normal. They called me on my bullshit, not that I listened, obviously. I watched their interaction and pined for something close to it. They were so loving and caring with each other. They were MY friends. I don't share! I have no doubt that eventually John and Linda would have been brought into the "Ana Family".

Unlike me, John graduated from Harvard and wanted to start his own business. He asked me where the best place to start a shipping company would be. I told him Seattle. I would help him. He would be close. So he and Linda settled in and started J&L Shipping. John had a good head for business. I told him to stay private. No one to answer to, except himself. He liked that idea. He did well on his own. He and I just got together to bullshit mostly. Reminiscing about our Harvard years, his wife, my lack of a wife, and then we had Ana to talk about. John was a wealth of information on heart and flowers. We talked about my desire to help under developed countries. He wanted to help me with that endeavor. I watched over him like the brother he was to me. I sent some business toward John, but that is all I did. I did keep an eye on his company to make sure that no one would touch it. I kept him safe, just like I keep Elliot safe. He succeeded on his own. I was proud of him. I looked forward to watching his continued success.

I had a shipment of aid supplies that I needed to get to Somalia. I kept hitting road blocks. If I didn't soon get it there, the food was going to be spoilt and useless. John and I were having lunch and I mentioned it to him. He said he had some contacts and would try to help me. A few days later, he called me and said he everything lined up. He was going to port in Hobyo, it was the safest option. He said he would be personally seeing that the shipment got to its destination. His crew foreman couldn't go because his wife was expecting their first child and he needed to stay here. John had personally taken some other trips for aid delivery before, but never where there was danger. I argued with John about him going. It wasn't safe. The unrest in the area had escalated and one ship has already been destroyed trying to dock. I kept arguing, but John could be as stubborn as me. I even resorted to begging. Yes, 'the Christian Grey' begged. John was adamant Linda was not thrilled that he was going and they compromised, this would be his last trip.

I remember the day John died, like it was yesterday. Roz and I were in my office discussing my newest idea for a take-over. I was looking forward to spending the evening with Ana at home. It was one of the few nights we didn't have to go to a social event. My thoughts were interrupted when Welch came barging into the office. Damn, he never knocks. "Sir, we just got word that the ship heading to Hobyo was blown up in the harbor. There were no survivors." My heart stopped beating for a moment, I felt weak all over. This can't be happening. John, on my god, John is gone. I had to get to Linda. I had to tell her. I owed her that. I told Andrea to cancel the rest of the day. Welch was instructed to get me everything he could on what happened. He was to contact all the families and make arrangements for compensation and funeral arrangements. I would take care of Linda. I would be in touch with him later in the day. I told Taylor to get me to John's house, pronto. The ride to John's house was taking forever. How was I going to tell Linda that the love of her life was gone and it was my fault? I didn't keep him safe. My mind was in overdrive. I can't keep anyone safe. If only John would have listened to me. I told him not to go, hell, I begged him not to go. I should have demanded he stayed. I should have cancelled the damn shipment. But no, none of that happened and look at the result of me not making the right decision. I let this happen. I could have stopped it.

Taylor and I finally arrived at John's house. When Linda answered the door, I could see in her face that she knew something bad was coming. I remember my eyes filling with water, but willing myself not to cry. I didn't deserve to cry. It was my fault I had to say "Linda, the ship was blown up and John is gone." She was beyond grief-stricken; she lost the love of her life. Christ, she lost her reason for living. This was my doing. I tried my best to console her, but, there was nothing I say that would help. I told her not worry about the funeral arrangements or the business I would take care of everything.

Instead of going home, I went back to GEH. I needed to get an update from Welch and I wanted to be alone. I knew Andrea would make sure I was not disturbed. Thinking about it now, that was my first mistake. What would have happened if I had just gone home?

Sitting in my office, I kept thinking that I can't keep any one safe. All I want to do is protect the people that I love and care about. That is why I make the decisions that I do. I should have forbid John from going. That would have kept him safe. How can I keep Ana safe? She was safe before I brought her into my fucked up life. All of the horrible situations she has faced in the last two years are all because of me. I tried to tell her that I was no good for her, but she was stubborn, just like John. Ana is the epitome of all that is good and right with the world, just like John. I couldn't protect John, I HAVE to protect Ana. I know she will never leave me. Unlike me, she keeps her promises. I must leave her. It will kill me, but I must do this. It is for her preservation. No matter how bad the pain of her loss, I will know that she is safe.

I called legal and told them I wanted divorce papers drawn up and what I wanted in them. I told them I needed them within the hour and if I didn't have them, they were all fired. I got what I wanted. Went home and executed the plan. I did what any good CEO would do, analyze; find a solution and execute.

The next few days were a blur. Linda buried John. She was grieving but seemed to be doing as well as could be expected. I told her I was divorcing Ana, and she went absolutely ballistic. Similar to the reaction I got from Flynn. She tried to tell me to talk to Ana. I wasn't listening. I had made my executive decision and I needed to stick by it. I needed to be punished for my failure.

My phone ringing brings out of my memories. Shit, it's my mother. I let it go to voice mail.

Linda and her damn letter! I know she meant well, but, I don't see how I can do what she asks of me. How can I face the love of my life and tell her I am a complete ass? How can I explain to her why I was so callous and hateful towards her? Is there even an explanation for that? How can I tell her that I threw away the best thing I had in my life? Nothing I say or do can undo the damage I have caused. My life was empty before Ana, and it has been nothing since I left her. She is just better off without me. I just keep adding layer upon layer to my fuckedupness.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Taylor POV

I laugh out loud as I read the text that the boss sent telling me I wasn't fired. He hasn't moved from the piano all day. I have been checking on him through the monitors. I know sooner or later I am going to be summoned. I can tell he read the letter. He hasn't been this pensive for a very long time.

"Jason, I need to see you in my study." I knew it. The shit is going to hit the fan now. Wait, he called me Jason. He only does that when he wants an honest conversation. I call it his 'friend mode'. Maybe this won't be that bad.

Walking into his study, he is standing at the window with a cup of coffee in his hand. When he turns around I almost gasp. He looks like he is totally lost. Besides the fact that he hasn't slept, he is unshaven and his hair is more unkempt than usual. My guess is that he has pulling at it all day. I have seen him like this two other times, the day Ana left him, and the day he left Ana. This is not good. I can't even call Flynn to help. I'm on my own here.

"Jason, sit, pour a cup of coffee, I have a few things to ask you." Oh, shit. Here we go. I would rather face a man holding a gun on me that Christian Grey like this. At least I know how to handle a gun wielding man. I do as he asks and wait for him to speak.

"I want, no, that's not right, I need you to tell me what you know about the letter Linda wrote to Ana." Oh, boy, I'm not sure how this is going to go over.

"Sir, may I speak freely?" "God damn it Jason, this is personal not business now speak." Oh, okay, CEO Grey is still here. That is a good sign. So I begin to tell him the story.

Several days before Linda passed away she called me into her room. She was so frail, and I could tell she was fading fast. She asked me to sit down. She had a favor to ask of me. She told me she wrote a letter to Christian that she wanted me to give to him after the funeral. She also wrote a letter to Ana to be delivered at the same time. I must have had a look of puzzlement on my face, because before I could ask, she started to explain. She knew how much in love Christian was with Ana. None of her prodding could get him to budge on making the move to make it right with Ana. She felt this was her last chance. She thought that if I gave them the letters at the same time, in the same place, it would be the push Christian needed. She felt that Christian wouldn't be able to not know what she had said to Ana. It was also her way to make sure that Christian and Ana could not keep the letters a secret from each other. She really believed it would be the catalyst to start a conversation between them. (I had my doubts on that, but kept quiet. She really did believe in the fairy tale happy ending.) She gave me the sealed envelopes and made me promise that I would do this favor for her. I couldn't deny a dying woman's wish, so I agreed to do this for her. I didn't know what she wrote to each of them and I didn't want to know.

When I finished telling him this, there was nothing but silence. Then I heard a whispered "damn her". Sometimes, with Christian it is easier to be with him when he is pacing and throwing things. Christian and silence scares me.

When he speaks again, his voice is almost like that of a child asking permission from a parent. "Jason, would you please call Flynn and ask him if he would see me, again." "Of course Sir, I'll get on that right away." I quickly leave his office.

Once I am back in my office I give a huge fist pump. Fuck a duck. Finally! I have Flynn on speed dial. "Flynn, Taylor. He is finally ready. Yes, I will tell him. I think you coming here would be a wise move. I will tell him in the morning that you will here at noon. Agreed, we don't want him to think that he can just call and you will be there. Making him wait is good. See you tomorrow."

Over the years I have kept in touch with Flynn. When I have been at my wits end with the boss, Flynn always helped me put things in perspective and he had some great tips for helping me to help the boss. Flynn knew the boss would be back, guess neither one of us thought it would take this long. I am beginning to think that Linda did know what she was doing with those letters.

Christian POV

Taylor just left my study. I asked him to call Flynn. I need help. No, I am ready for help.

When Jason was finished telling about the letters and why Linda did what she did, I saw just how broken I was. She made sure I didn't keep a secret about the letter. I really don't know what she said to Ana, maybe one day I will find out. But she made damn sure I knew Ana got a letter and Ana knew I got one. I don't take advice from anyone, well except my staff, when it concerns business, but outside of that, I am my own man. Well I just got knocked down a peg or two today. Ana tried, Linda tried, my family tried, shit, just about everyone tried and I just refused to listen to anyone.

I am one helluva good CEO. It is time I became one helluva good person. I can't fix anything until I fix myself. I hope Flynn will see me. I trust him. Hell, he made me see I could love. If anyone can help me fix myself it is him.

Sawyer POV

Coming back from dinner at Hannah's Ana is very quiet. I worry when she becomes quiet for too long. That usually means she is crawling inside of herself and will shut down. She was fine at dinner. She never said anything about the letter. She told Hannah about yesterday and seeing Christian, but nothing about what I call 'the mission'. When we were leaving she told Hannah she would see her at work on Monday.

"Luke, tell me what you know about that fiasco at the restaurant yesterday." Well, so much for her being quiet for too long.

"Ana, T told me had to do a favor for someone and that it involved you and Christian. He said he was going to do it at the restaurant."

"Luke Sawyer, stop the bullshit, now spill it all, right now! I know you and Taylor are friends and hang-out together. I know you know more about yesterday than what you just told me, so just spit it out." Damn she has this uncanny knack of being able to see right through me. I could try pulling the confidential card out of the hat, but I don't think that would fly in the mood she is in right now.

"Luke, I am waiting." Guess I better start talking or else I might just get fired for real.

"Linda asked Taylor to do her a favor. She wrote letters to Christian and you. She wanted Taylor to give them to you both at the same time. She reasoned that then you both would know about each other's letter. Taylor wouldn't deny her dying wish. So, when he knew you were attending, he made his plan to do it at the restaurant. He didn't know if either of you would come willingly, so he made it sound like there was a threat, and well, you know the rest." That is all I really know. Taylor never told me the whole story, just what he needed to do.

"Thank you Luke. I appreciate your honesty." Again we are back to silence. Thank god we are almost home.

Ana POV

I knew Luke would tell me about yesterday. I just had to call him out. I know he feels like he is betraying Taylor. But I need answers. I can't make good decisions without all the facts. I need to figure out what is happening, who am I kidding, now I need find out what really happened 5 years ago.

It seems all the answers lie with Christian. Perhaps the 'great letter swap' was her way to make sure that Christian finally came forward with the truth. Isn't that a novel idea, Christian and the truth. Oh, wait, he doesn't lie, he just omits. Him and his semantics! Well at least with her letter I have some ammunition if he does contact me.

I just hope he is ready for what he finds. I am not the same Ana he knew. Sorry won't get him past the threshold. He better have a whole lot more to say than that. Guess I am leaning towards hearing him out, if and when he decides to come forward.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Christian POV

Another sleepless night! Taylor still hasn't told me if he got a hold of Flynn. I sure hope that Flynn will come back. I can't do this by myself. There is so much to do. I am a fuckhead. That is a fact. That is not what Flynn calls self-loathing.

I've made a list of things that I need to fix and I really want Flynn to see it and help me achieve my goal. This has to be my priority. If there is any hope what so ever of me ever being happy I have to succeed. Flynn always told me I wasn't willing to do the work. Well, I'm rolling up my sleeves and ready to do whatever I have to do.

Taylor breaks my train of thought, but what he says makes me want to fist bump him. "Sir, excuse me, but I reached Dr. Flynn and he said he could see you at noon. He would prefer to meet you here. Should I confirm that with him?" "Yes, Jason, please confirm. I know it is Sunday and Gail is off, but could ask her if she would prepare light refreshments and just leave them on the table in front of the sofa in the great room." "I'm sure Gail won't mind doing that, but if there is a problem I will let you know."

I have to get my list finished and make a copy of Linda's letter. I want Flynn to have both. I am going to meet with him in the great room. No more behind closed doors. I have to be open to what he has to say. No better place than in an open space. Too much of my life has been lived in the dark and behind closed doors. It is time for that to change.

I took a shower and shaved. I was shocked at what I saw in the mirror. I need to get some sleep. I almost put a suit on, but caught myself. This isn't business, this is personal. I went with jeans and a sweater. It's almost noon. I better get moving.

Just as I get to the foyer, I hear the elevator and see Jason waiting for it to open. I notice the refreshments on the table. I nod at him and he nods back. Just then the elevator opens.

"Dr. Flynn, welcome" I say as I extend my hand. He shakes my hand as he says "Mr. Grey". We both burst out laughing. We haven't been that formal in years. But I guess it was a great ice breaker.

I lead him to the sofa and tell him to help himself to the refreshments.

"J, can I still call you that?" I wait before proceeding, he nods in the affirmative. "J thanks for coming today. I am in trouble and I really need your help. I trust you. You know my history. J I have to fix myself. I need to become a grown-up in my personal life." Wow, I got that out. J is just sitting there staring at me.

"Christian, I have been waiting for this day for years. I think you finally realize that you have to want to change in order to change. You had made strides towards that during your time with Ana. But that day you told me you were divorcing Ana and didn't hear a thing I said to you I knew our time was over."

Please don't say that you won't help me. That is all I can think right now. I would normally blurt out some bullshit, but I sit silently waiting for the next shoe to drop.

"I realized that you just wanted me to be one more person who told you were right. I couldn't do that. You weren't right. You were going to destroy your life as you knew it an in the process destroy another person, Ana. I could not and would not condone that. You were lost to me that day. Now, if you are willing to listen and work, and not want to hear that you are always right, I am willing to help you. What do you think about that?"

I let out a breath that I didn't realize I was holding. Thank God! J will help me. He is so right, how can it be that I didn't see it. I only ever wanted him to help me justify all my actions. When he didn't I got pissed off, which meant I was pissed off a lot. During my time with Ana I wasn't as bad, because most of the time he was right and I had Ana to keep me on track. I notice J shifting in his seat. Oh, I have to answer him.

"J, when do we start?"

Flynn POV

Taylor called this morning and told me that Christian still wanted to see me. He told me he was calling him Jason and that he actually asked Gail to fix refreshments and he understood that it was her day off and she wouldn't do it was okay. Taylor was floored. I can't say I don't blame him. This is not the Christian I knew. I told Jason I would see him at noon and to call if anything changed.

I will not play games with this man again. He wanted me as a yes man. He always wanted me to agree with him, I didn't and then he would get pissed off or just totally shut down. He was the most frustrating patient I have ever had.

That day, that he told me he was divorcing Ana, and all of his reasons I lost it. I knew where this was really coming from and tried my damndest to make him hear me. When I realize he wasn't listening I told him to leave my office and to never come back. I told him his calls would be rejected and if I never saw him again in my life time I wouldn't be sorry. I know that part wasn't very professional, but I had reached the very end of my rope with him.

Jason and I have been in touch over the years. Poor Jason, he should be put up for sainthood. I have gotten some information about Christian over the past years, and it appears I have helped Jason keep his sanity.

I had my speech all prepared that I was going to give Christian. This could be the shortest meeting he and I have ever had.

When I walked in, there was tension emanating from Christian. He was quite formal so I followed suit, but then we both started laughing. I immediately noticed he relaxed. I noticed he looked, like hell, but he was not disheveled and he was dressed casually. No business attire, not even business casual. He led me to the sofa in the great room and not his study. He asked to call me J, something he just fell into and I actually enjoyed the nick-name.

What he said to me shocked me. I never would have expected to hear those words from. He has finally come around and realizes that he needs to change, and most importantly he wants to change. I truly believe him. This time, I think he will succeed.

He gave me a copy of the letter Linda left for him. He also had a list of what he called things he wanted to fix. I let him talk. I wanted to hear what he had to say and determine where he was at right now in his own mind. I let him catch me up on the last 5 years, since the last time we spoke. I was impressed that he didn't return to the BDSM life-style. It was shocking that he has remained celibate. I also was intrigued as to why. I made a note to discuss that with him at a future session.

He seemed to be tiring, and by his looks, he needed sleep. I asked him how he wanted to his handle his sessions with me. Did he want to come to my office or would he prefer we met here, at his home. Not something I would normally do, but, I sense something different about him in this open space, and my gut was telling me it might be more productive to continue our sessions here. He was appreciative of me asking and asked if it would be a problem for me to come here. This was a new demeanor. Not sure how long it will last, but we shall remain positive. I told him I wanted to see him every day next week. We both agreed that he would be my last patient of the day, so I would meet him here at 6 every night. While I was there he emailed Andrea and had his scheduled cleared of anything past 5. We shook hands, and then he grabbed me into a man hug. I was speechless.

I went back to my office because I needed to read this letter and wanted to look over the list that Christian I had made. I wanted to prepare my patient plan.

Linda was a true friend to Christian and very wise. It amused me that she set tasks for him to complete. The most shocking one was that he must make amends to Ana. She hit the nail on the head about his guilt. His self-loathing must have been in overdrive these past few years. Now I know why he is ready to listen. Yes, he will succeed.

His list was a series of questions. We could work with this.

Why didn't I go home that day? Why did I want to alone and not with Ana?

Why am I so consumed about keeping everyone I care about safe?

Why do I over react and feel guilty when I fail at keeping people safe?

Why do I keep secrets from people I love? Can I learn to be honest?

Why do I feel I have to always be in CEO mode and control people? Can I stop?

Why do I consistently hurt the people who love me and care about me?

How can I ever make amends to Ana? Should I even try?

Christian knows the answers to most of these questions. I am so looking forward to using them with him. He just needs a refresher course on all the years we have worked together. Behavior modification may be a bit harder for him. He really does need to learn how and when to be Christian Grey CEO and how and when to be just Christian. During his marriage to Ana, he was slowly learning this important lesson. He would have succeeded if he would have stayed. Ana was the best thing to happen to Christian. This time around there is no Ana. My job just became a bit harder.

Ana POV

I am cooking for the week like I do every week. I checked my schedule next week and I have nothing in the evenings. So, I had Luke take me to the grocery store, since I missed the market yesterday. I told Luke we would be eating in every night next week, and I thought he was going to hug me to death. Luke and I eat dinner together. We have been doing that for the last 5 years. He can't cook a lick and I hate to eat alone, so it just makes sense. Luke is like the big brother I never had. His first priority of course is my safety and he is very good at his job. But over the years he has become more than just an employee. Yes, brother sister is the right way to describe our relationship now.

I am making lasagna as surprise for Luke. I haven't made it for the past 5 years. It just brought back to many horrible memories. But every time we go out to eat, if it is on the menu Luke orders it and then tells me that it not as good as mine. He makes me laugh every time.

Over the past few years I have reclaimed many things I felt I lost during Christian or post Christian. Some big ones, like self worth, lost that one post Christian. Now a little one, making lasagna again.

I know as soon as Luke smells it baking; he is going to be in the kitchen wanting to eat it now. Laughing out loud, dancing to the music playing on the IPod, and cooking. Life is good.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Flynn POV

I have been working with Christian for two months now. I must say I am surprised. He has not missed an appointment. He has been laser focused during our scheduled time. He has made strides in his personal skills outside of GEH. Finally he realizes that his behavior where it concerns GEH is acceptable, often times necessary to remain successful. That kind behavior is not acceptable at home or with family and friends.

I have given him some coping skills for when he is in a situation that he feels he wants to use that 'analyze, solve, execute' mode of thinking he is so used to using. I need to work on getting him to add the word 'discuss' in that formula. He is not open his mouth until he has silently counted to 10 and has asked himself is this 'my problem to solve'. This seems to be working for him, so far any way. The more he uses the technique the stronger it will become imbedded in his mind.

One's formative years shape us for life. However, one cannot continually blame their childhood for their actions as an adult. They must reconcile the past in order to have a healthy future. Christian never really took the time or energy to do that. He suffered two very traumatic events in the first 15 years of his life. We revisited both events and I think he finally understands that yes, his mother died, whether it was on purpose or an accident doesn't really matter. He will never know. Yes he was left in a deplorable situation. Yes, his mother failed him. Many mothers fail their children, unfortunately. But, he was 4 years old. He didn't have the emotional capacity, wisdom or means to change anything that was happening to him. He cannot continue try to control people and situations because he wants to fix the events surrounding his mother. He cannot continue to project that thinking onto everyone he loves or cares about. He can however grieve for his mother. He can grieve that he was sexually abused for years, he can grieve for the loss of his friends and yes, he even needs to grieve the loss of Ana, even if that was by his own actions.

Christian never learned to nor took the time to grieve. Most children learn about loss early in life either through the loss of pets or family members and they have people around them to help them through the process. Christian never had that. By time he even started to talk with Grace and Carrick, he had already buried the emotion. Oh no doubt grief manifested itself in his later years, but by then it had other labels and deeper issues attached to it. Christian has never reached the acceptance stage of any of his losses. Most importantly, Christian has now realized he can no longer use this as an excuse for his actions.

He is so emotionally stunted. But he is slowly growing-up. He is finally realizing that he has to identify what feelings are in play in any given situation, and respond in either a positive way or neutral way until he has thought it all the way through. Part of his problem is that in his thinking process, he stops when he thinks he has found a solution. He never thinks about the repercussions. I have seen a great deal of progress in him in this regard.

He finally was able to answer the question as to why he did not go home the day his friend and all of the others were killed. He didn't know how to grieve. He felt responsible and guilty. He needed to be punished. He knew Ana would not punish him. (Thank you so much Elena, for screwing up this man and for making my job so much harder.) In his mind at that time, the only suitable punishment he could come up was losing something that meant the most to him. Ana. Christian Grey warped thinking at its worst. He was hell bent on self-flagellation so he closed his mind to anything that did not support that concept. That is why he wouldn't listen to any one. At that time in his life he was always right.

His issue with guilt and keeping people safe go hand in hand. That is where we are having the most difficulty. Getting him to see that everyone, even those he loves and cares about have free-will, has been the most difficult. He struggles with why people won't listen to him when he is just trying to protect them. He has to learn that the only person he can truly protect is himself, through his own choices. He can advise, but he cannot control, anyone else in their decision making. I have given him an exercise to do before out next session. He is to write down all the people that tried to tell him that divorcing Ana was the stupidest move he would ever make in his life. He is to tell me why he ignored what they were saying. He also has to be ready to tell me how his actions protected Ana. I am hoping this exercise will make him see he used his free-will, just like his friend did. I also want him to see that free will had the opposite effect on what he wanted most, to protect Ana.

Christian POV

Over the past two months I believe I have made a lot of progress. Don't know if Flynn would agree. I have made some changes. They may seem minor to some people, but to me they are giant steps. Once I leave GEH I turn the hard-assed CEO Christian off. I no longer call Jason, Taylor. He calls me Christian. This is consistent. No more switching back and forth. I realize that Jason and Gail are friends, as well employees. I see that they can still do their jobs while being my friend. They have been instrumental in making sure I don't slip backwards these past months. I told them they can tell Flynn anything they think he should know about my behavior. Sometimes after Flynn leaves, if I am not totally exhausted I share with Jason what we have talked about. I think it is important that those that are closest to me know where I am in my therapy. No one is closer to me than Jason.

I've not missed a Sunday family dinner in two months. It is a great opportunity to practice getting rid of my, 'analyze, solve and eexecute' mentality with Flynn's technique. It hasn't been easy. Between Mia an Elliot, I must have counted a hundred times over.

Sharing with my family, that I have finally reconciled my past, by truly grieving for the loss of my birth mother and the loss of my teenage years at Elena's hand, was very difficult. I could see the sadness in my mother's face. I tried to assure her that she has been a good mother to me, and I was just too blind to see it. I told her I needed to take responsibility for my actions, all of them, and that as I am doing that, I am becoming the son she always wanted. I hate that I have to open old wounds in order to heal. It is painful for everyone. Kate still has not spoken to me, but she appears to be listening to what I am telling my family.

They know why, the day John died; I made that fateful decision to divorce Ana. I shared my thinking process with them from that day. "Warped" was the word out everyone's mouth. I agreed with them. Grace has thanked me for being so open and honest with her and the family. My dad has told me how proud he is of me for taking this difficult and at time heart-wrenching journey. He assured me he is always there for me.

I still have much work to do on myself. But each day I heal a little bit more. Actually today I am supposed to tell Flynn about all the people who told me not to divorce Ana and why I didn't listen to them. I also have to tell him how my actions protected Ana. He is a damn task master, but I need that right now.

Flynn is due any minute. I am very apprehensive about this session. Most of what he and I have worked on was reinforcement of all the things we previously did, except for learning how to grieve. That was an eye opener for me. It appears I always stayed in the anger, depression stages and never moved on to acceptance. I have finally accepted my losses, well not the loss of Ana, but all the others. They are now truly in my past.

"Christian, are you ready to begin?" "J I am fearful of beginning." That is the god's honest truth. I am afraid of what I may uncover and just pray that I am finally strong enough in my new found self-worth to cope with what is to come.

I tell J it would be easier to tell him who didn't tell me not to divorce Ana. He chuckled at that. Everyone, my legal team, J, Linda, Taylor, my family, even though they found out after Ana signed the papers, but before I filed them, Roz. Anyone who means anything to me told me I wrong. My mind was made up, there was no changing it. Fuck! I did the same thing John did when he decided he was going with the aid shipment. He made his own choice. I made my own choice. Nothing or nobody was going to change that.

"J it wasn't my fault that John was killed. I was not responsible. He made the choice to go. He had the facts. He made his own decision, just like I did. They may not have been the best choices, never the less we both made our own choice. My decision was made without facts and without consideration of all the repercussions."

"Christian, what else have you not been responsible for?" I start to rehash my events in my life.

"I am not responsible for my birth mother's death, for what Elena did to me, for what Leila or Hyde did. None of that was my fault." I tell Flynn in a voice that is choking back tears. J suggests we take a break. He heads to the kitchen, and I sit here reflecting on this revelation. I was not at fault for any of those things. Those people made their own choices, based on their own issues. I may have been a part of their issues, but I wasn't responsible for them. I am only responsible for my own actions. For someone who is so brilliant in the business world, how could I be so freaking stupid! J comes back with two beers, which surprises me, but I am thankful. He asks if I want to continue. I sip my beer and think about whether I want to go on or not. I push forward.

"J, I think you had one other issue you wanted to discuss today. I think we both know that my actions 5 years ago did not protect Ana. I felt responsible for her. Since everything outside of business that I touched I fucked up, I didn't want to fuck her up any more than I already had. I forced MY decision on her. I left no room for there to be any different outcome than what I decided it should be. I did not give her the ability to make a choice for herself. I know now, that I was WRONG! Ana is her own person, I should have realized that. She is very capable of deciding for herself. I just didn't see it. All these years wasted because I was such a screwed up mess."

"Christian, I think we should stop for this evening. You have made a tremendous breakthrough tonight. Your sense of responsibility was misguided. It was driven by guilt and your inability to see that everyone has the right to make their own choices. You don't always have to agree with the choices, but you should respect them as well as the person making them. Your self-loathing prevented you from seeing this. You have moved forward. I think you are ready to start thinking about how you want to set your life straight with Ana."

Flynn leaves after assuring me he will see me tomorrow. I have so much to think about. I focus on Ana. The love of my life. I inflicted so much damage on her. I know I did. I am responsible for that. The best choice I ever made was allowing her to share my life; the worst decision by far was throwing it all away. I know she won't talk to me, to give me time to explain, no that is not right, I don't know what choice she will make about talking to me, but it is her choice. I will have to respect that.

Ana POV

I just started my second novel. I am hoping to have it completed by the end of year. Work is going great. GP continues to flourish. I am so proud of myself. Daddy and I had a wonderful week-end together. He went fishing, and I got to cook the fish. I also made sure he had some meals in the freezer. He was thrilled that I cooked for him. He says when he reheats the food, he always thinks of me. He knows how to make me smile. I finally showed him the letter from Linda. I can't fault Christian for keeping secrets, if I am keeping my own. Daddy asked me what I was going to do if Christian tried to contact me. I told him I honestly didn't know. But that I was leaning towards hearing him out. It may not change a thing, but I still loved him. I absolutely abhor what he did and the way he did it, and will not over look it. I don't know what type of relationship I could have with him. Whatever, Christian Grey will never steamroll over me again! I'm sure my daddy had his opinion of what I should do and I'm sure it involved some type of weapon, but he told me it was my decision and he will support me.

A/N The next chapter is about Christian and Ana meeting.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N This is a very long chapter. I didn't want to break it up. Enjoy. You may need tissues. Thank you all for reading and your reviews.

As always, all characters belong to E.L. James. The story is mine.

Chapter 14

Christian POV

Flynn feels I have made sufficient progress to contact Ana. He has put some stipulations on me. It must be personal. No third person calling, or delivering a message. It must be private. If there is a meeting, it must be on neutral territory. No office, neither one of our homes and he would prefer that it be somewhere where neither of us have been before when we were together. I was not to do anything flashy or extravagant. I feel like this is an impossible task. But I am determined to do this right. Ana deserves for me to do it right.

I have debated, and I believe that picking up the phone and calling her is the most personal. I plan to ask her to meet me at the marina. I will have Jason rent a yacht for the day. I could have used the Grace, but that would violate Flynn's instructions. Ana always liked the water and being on the Grace. It is private, because it will only be the two of us. Well, Jason will be there and I'm sure she will bring Luke, but they both know how to make themselves scarce. The boat will be big enough that if we need to get away from each other there will be room. Ana can swim if she wants to. I will have food on board, if Ana wants to eats, well if we are even on the boat that long. This will be at Ana's pace, not mine. I ran all of this by Flynn and he approved. Just for good measure I also ran it by Jason. He thought it was a good way to start out.

Holding the phone and waiting to push the last digit, I realize that I am petrified. She has every right to not talk to me. I respect that. I can only hope she does. The phone is ringing.

"Hello, Ana Steele." I sit frozen. My mouth refuses to open.

"Hello?" I have to say to something and quick or she is going to hang up. "Ana, it's Christian." I can't ramble. I have to be forthright. I can do this. Flynn said I am ready.

"Ana, I was wondering if you would be willing to sit down and talk with me. I have some things to tell you that I would like you to hear. Do you think that would be possible?"

Ana POV

It's Friday and I am trying to finish this manuscript so that I am ready for the author on Monday. My phone rings and I just grab it and answer.

Oh my god. It's Christian. He is asking me if we can talk and wants to know if it is possible.

"Christian, I would be willing to hear what you have to say, but not if it the same bullshit that you have said to me over and over during our marriage. I have that shit memorized, and don't want or need to hear it again." I need to breathe.

"Ana, I promise that is not case." Right, I know about his promises. Come on Ana, benefit of the doubt here. That damn voice in my head.

"Christian, when and where were you planning on having this meeting?" Stall Ana, give yourself time to regroup, I tell myself.

"Would tomorrow work for you, since it is Saturday? I thought we could meet at the marina. I could rent a yacht for the day and we could go out into the Sound for however long you wanted to stay out. Is that alright with you?" Decision time Ana. I told my daddy I was leaning towards hearing him out, so I guess I am going on boat ride tomorrow.

"Christian, I just checked and I am available tomorrow. What time should I meet you? I will be bringing Luke with me. I would prefer that he also be on the boat with us."

"I thought we could meet at 10. Luke coming is no problem. I will have Jason with me."

"10 works for me. I will see you then. Good-bye, Christian."

"Good-bye Ana."

Wow, for an out of the blue phone call that went well, I think. I can always shoot him down tomorrow. No reason to throw hot water in his face his on first try. He is renting a yacht. What happened to the Grace? Although, I am relieved, I am not sure I could concentrate on the Grace. It holds to many memories. He really put some thought and effort into this. He actually asked, and didn't demand. The first time he starts with his same bullshit tomorrow I will demand to come back to shore. I am not going to waste my time on the same old shit. He has a boat load of things he needs to come clean with. I better see a whole lot of honesty and no lame excuses. If he keeps saying he is sorry, I may toss his ass overboard! This could get real ugly.

Christian POV

She didn't hang up on me. That is a positive sign. She was quite clear she didn't want to hear any bullshit out of my mouth. Something is telling me that all this time with Flynn is going to look like child's play compared to what I have in store for me tomorrow.

I call Jason and ask him to please implement the plan we discussed. I told him we need to be at the marina by 10 and that Ana is bringing Luke. I jokingly told him to play nice with Luke. He just laughed at me and told me he would take care of everything.

My next call is to Flynn. He was pleased that I made the call and that Ana agreed to see me. He reminded me of my coping techniques and told me he would be available if I needed him tomorrow. He wished me luck and reminded me I was ready for this.

SATURDAY

Christian POV

I am pacing by the dock at the marina. I made Jason get here at 9:30. I am so nervous. I need to calm down, and just allow this day to go the way it is going to go. I can only control my actions. Flynn has prepared me for this. I have worked hard and long to get to this day. I know I am a better man than I was 5 years ago, hell I'm a better man than I was when I met Ana for the first time. I understand myself, and I know my short comings. I just don't want to ramble on an on. I want to have an honest discussion. How this goes though depends on Ana. Today, she has all the all the power. I would love to come out of this with us being equals, but I will take what I can get.

I have a single white rose to hand to her. The white rose symbolizes many things among those are hope, truth, and new beginnings. I hope she understands the meaning.

Jason has everything in place and now he is pacing with me. We stop and he grabs my shoulder and tells me this will work out. He reminds me to be truthful and sincere. I hope he is right. Then I feel her. I look up and look straight into eyes her and smile.

Ana POV

I dressed extremely casually, jeans and a light blue sweater. I dressed for comfort, but I still look good. I pulled my hair into a pony tail; I don't want hair flying everywhere today. That was always a distraction to Christian. I don't want him distracted. I throw my bathing suit in my bag just in case I decide that I need to cool off. I almost forgot Linda's letter, I grab it from my desk.

As we are on our way to the marina I tell Luke that his job today is make sure I don't do anything that will land me in jail. Also, if I want to go home, he is to do whatever he has to do to make sure that happens. I will not tolerate being held hostage by Christian and Jason. He chuckles but agrees to do as I ask.

I'm nervous as hell. This is the closest I have been to him in 5 years, except for that day at the restaurant. I actually agreed to spend time with him.

As we are walking toward the docks I see him, and our eyes lock. He is smiling.

Standing in front of him, I am overcome with emotion. He is still the beautiful, sexy man I love. He is in jeans and a sweater. His grey eyes are bright and hopeful. God I love this man. I always have and I probably always will.

"Ana, thank you so much for coming. This is for you", he says as he hands me a single white rose. Ah, a symbol of hope and new beginnings. How appropriate.

"Come, the boat is at the next dock. There is food on board if you are and Luke would like to eat." We walk to the dock side by side, Jason behind Christian, Luke behind me. Jason boards the boat first. Then Christian, who extends his hand to help me on board, instinctively I take it, the jolt was unmistakable. We both pull away and look at each other. I start to giggle, and he starts to laugh and we are both shaking our heads. I think the ice has been broken. We are all on board and Luke and Jason have disappeared. If I were a betting woman, I would bet they headed for the food.

"Ana I thought we might sit on the deck, if that is okay with you. Do you want anything to drink or eat?" Wow, I'm impressed. "Christian, tea would be nice, and perhaps we can eat a bit later." Off he goes I assume to the galley. I look out over the water as we are moving farther from the shore. I had forgotten just how beautiful and peaceful it is out here.

"Here's your tea. You look wonderful." "Thank you Christian, you haven't changed at all." Well this is formal. Maybe those weren't the right words to say to him. I noticed a flicker in his eyes, but it was only for a few seconds.

"Christian, I don't want to spend the day pussy footing around each other. So why don't we get to the point of why I am here. Maybe I should start by asking why the hell you divorced me, why did you treat me like I was a piece of dog shit stuck to your shoe, why the fuck wouldn't you even talk to me. And remember our deal; I want the truth and not your normal bullshit. Speak!" Now, let's see what Christian does with all that.

Christian POV

Holy shit! Ana just put it all out there. My heart feels like it has a knife straight through it. I am breathing and counting, counting and breathing. I better soon pull this together or I might end up over the side. She said I haven't changed. Maybe not on the outside, but I sure have changed on the inside.

"Ana, in order to answer you, I have to start at the beginning. I have been working with Flynn these past several months. I have finally and completely banished the demons from my childhood. I have learned how to grieve. I recognize that nothing that happened in the past was my responsibility, except what I did to you. Ana, please remember that I didn't know all this back then. I was operating on what I refer to as the 'old Christian's thinking'. Today, I have a new perspective, I look at things differently. I deal with everything differently. Flynn made me see when guilt is appropriate and when it isn't. I have learned that I have to be open and honest with people I care about. I can't keep secrets and I have to be forthcoming with my real feelings. I cannot keep secrets about anything. I have to trust that the people who love and care for me may not always like what I do, but still love me. I have to respect the fact that not everyone will agree with me. I have to listen to other people's ideas and opinions. I leaned that people make their own choices, and while I may not agree with those choices, I have to respect them and the person making them. I know that I am worthy of all that is good. The only person I can control is me. I have no right to try to control anyone else." I am watching her face as I tell her all this. She is paying close attention and at first she was pissed off but I noticed a few hitches in her breathing and her face is slowly softening.

"Ana, I want to continue, but I don't want to re-hash things you might all ready know. Did Linda tell you about my friendship with her and John?"

"Yes, she did. I have her letter with me. Do you want to read it? Will it help you get to my questions?" "Ana, yes I would like to read it. I think it might help both of us move this to where you want it go." She hands me the letter and walks away. I am presuming to give me time to read it. She doesn't go far; she is still in my sight. She is just staring out to the water. I start reading the letter.

Ana POV

After I gave Christian the letter, I had to walk away. I couldn't sit there anymore. That certainly wasn't his normal bullshit by any means. I sure wasn't expecting all that, and apparently we are just beginning.

Fuck! He was beyond Fifty Shades of fucked up! I have to ask him after all those years with Flynn, why now did his therapy work.

My heart breaks for him. He has missed so much. I thought he was making progress while we were married, but apparently his issues were deeper than even I knew. I thought loving him would help heal him. I'm not so sure now after listening to him. Loving may have helped but this was much deeper. Our marriage wasn't falling apart; he broke it apart, just like one of the companies he acquires. There was nothing I could have done to change his mind. It's time I forgive myself, I was not responsible. He was. And I am going to find out why shortly.

I turn to walk back to my chair and the boat suddenly rocks, I am falling, when I feel his hands around my waist pulling me upward. "Still protective, I see, Mr. Grey." We both laugh and I turn around and look him in eyes and ask him why his therapy with Flynn is working now and not all those years ago. I am positively stunned by his answer. "Because I never put the work into it and now I want to change for me, not because anyone else wants me to change."

Christian POV

I finished reading the letter and was amazed at how open and honest Linda was with Ana. I was contemplating how I was going to tell Ana the rest of the story, when I feel the boat rock and see Ana begin to fall. I caught her before she fell. I was feeling the same feeling I felt that day she fell into my office. She made a remark about me being protective and we both laughed. I love hearing her laugh She seemed shocked when I answered her question about why my therapy was working now.

"Ana, its past noon would you like to eat something before we go any farther? I am afraid if we don't soon eat, there may not be any food left since Jason and Luke have been 'guarding' it since we left the dock." She giggles. Got to love that sound. She agrees and we go below and have lunch. Over lunch she tells me she has started her second novel and is hoping to complete it by the end of the year. We basically make small talk. I ask her if she wants to stay here or go above to continue. She wants to be on deck, so that is where we will be.

"Linda covered a lot in her letter, so I think I will just deal with the two parts that she said were my story to tell, if that is alright with you." She tells me fine. I tell her about the shipment, and everything that happened including the bomb and John being killed. I tell her about my guilt and that I didn't come home to her after leaving Linda's house. I tell her how I felt I needed punished and how I decided my own punishment and that was lose the only thing I loved, her. She has tears in her eyes and her hands a clasped over her mouth. I just want to reach out and hold her, but that is not my right. I ask her if she wants me to continue and she nods yes.

"Ana, please remember I am not the man that I was back then. I know what I am going to tell was wrong for so many reasons. I didn't know any different back then. I believed that my punishment to appease my guilt was to lose you. I knew you would never leave me. So once the papers were ready I came home. I knew that the only way I could convince you this was real to tell you I didn't love and that you weren't enough. I have regretted saying those words to you every day since. I believed that you really would be better off without me in your life. If I couldn't keep a friend safe, how the hell was I going to keep you safe, the reason I breathed air. I didn't want you to die because of something I was involved in or did. I was afraid for you. I felt everything outside of my business I touched, I destroyed. I didn't want to destroy you too. I knew you would be better off without me. You could pursue your career, without my interference. You were young, and you should have been enjoying life, having fun with your friends, growing into the best woman you could be, not be saddled with my fifty shades of fuckedupness. I felt I was a danger to you. I made that decision for you. That's what I did, analyze, solve and act. I didn't give you the opportunity to discuss any of this. Fuck, I didn't even tell you about John and Linda." I have to stop; I am getting overwhelmed by the emotions that are springing forth. If I keep going I am going to break down. I can't do that. I have to get this all out today because I may never have another chance. I notice that Ana has tears running down her cheeks and her eyes are closed. I go to the door leading to the galley and call for Jason. I ask him for a box of tissues. I place them beside her on the chair. My heart is breaking into small pieces. Seeing her like this, 5 years later, I can only imagine what she was like back then. I was such a bastard. "Ana, do you want me continue?" She shakes her head no.

The only sound is the water ebbing and flowing and the occasional gull flying over head. I can hear Ana trying to control her sobbing. I am so thankful Flynn warned me that this may happen. He told me I just had to wait it out. He also told me that if it did happen, I was not to leave her for any reason. I was to sit there quietly until she spoke. No matter how long it took.

Ana POV

Lunch was lovely. The conversation was light. He talked about what his family is doing. He told me about Kate. I just giggled. That is so like her. I do miss her. Maybe after today we can rekindle out friendship. When we finished, he asked me where I wanted to sit to listen to the rest of his story. I am enjoying the deck so I decide that we would better off there. I notice that all day today I have been making the decisions. I like this 'new' Christian.

When he was telling me about his need for punishment after John's death I gasped and my eyes started to fill. All I could see is a poor lost little boy. My Fifty. And then, then I heard what I had been waiting five years to hear, he didn't mean what he said. Yes he said them, but he didn't mean them. I can't stop the tears. I close my eyes and keep them closed. I don't want to look at him. I am afraid to look at him. He stops talking. From his voice, I think he needs to regroup. I feel him leave and then come back. He places tissues next to me. We have been sitting here for a long time in silence. I am trying to get my sobbing under control. I take a few deep breaths. Open my eyes

"Christian, you put me, no; you put us through hell because you needed to be punished for something that wasn't even your fault. You didn't have enough faith in our love or me to come home and talk to me. You were the most ruthless, callous, heartless, uncaring, cruel and any other adjective that goes with the word bastard, to me that night and the days that followed before I signed your god damn papers. You boxed me in a corner and you know what, no matter which way I turned, it was going to cost me you. YOU, the love of my life, the reason I breathed, the reason I was who I was and who I was becoming. I had grown with you. We were growing together. We were happy. As cheesy as it sounds, we had the fairy tale happily ever after. People envied our love and our relationship. And you knew deep down that you didn't want to divorce me, but you did it anyway. Did I get it right?" He has a look of fear in his eyes along with his tears. He just nods yes.

"I don't fucking believe it. All of the bullshit you tossed at me. All of the pain I went through the months after we divorced, all of it could have been prevented if you just would have had some balls and came clean and talked to me. You are a First Class Ass!" I must be shouting, because out of the corner of my eye I catch Jason and Sawyer coming toward us. I turn to them and tell them to go back where there came from, we weren't done here. We were fine. If they were needed I would let them know. They backed away quickly. Spinning around I was again face to face with Christian. "I got my answers, now tell me Mr. Grey, if we could turn the clock back and knowing what you know now, what would you do different? I will give 5 minutes to think about it." I use this technique with my employees when they have made a major error. It is at tool that I use to see if they really did learn from their mistake. I am not as stern with them as I was just now. But I am usually not so emotionally invested either. I grab a bottle of water from the cooler and head to the side rail. I need to breathe. I need to figure out where I am going from here. I love this man with all my heart and soul. I always have. So what am I going to do about it?

"Times up! What is your answer?" Little does he know that his future where it concerns me depends on how he answers that question.

Christian POV

Holy Shit! Hurricane Ana just hit the boat! She started off in a soft whisper and built from there. She scared the hell out of me. Jason and Luke even looked fearful. I listened to every word she said and I deserved everything she threw at me and more. She is again sitting in front of me and tells me my time is up.

"Ana if today was the day that Welch had just told me John was killed, I would pick up the phone and call you and tell you the sad new. You and I would go together to Linda's house to give her the news. After consoling her and making sure she was not alone, we would go home and have the lasagna that you made. We would have grieved together for our friend. We would have healed together. Linda and John would have been in our circle of friends. There would not have been any secrets. I would know I was not responsible for what happened to John. I would not feel guilty. I would have not beaten myself up over his death. I would have analyzed, discussed, solved together and then acted. That is the way that day would have ended. We would still be married, and I would be as in love with you as I was the first time I saw you. We would be living on the Sound, together. We might have a few kids by now. I know you always wanted a big family. If I could turn back time, that is how it would be. I have learned a lot about myself, and my actions. I can't go back and change anything I have done in the past. I can ask for forgiveness. What I can do is go forward and make sure I am never that man again." We are staring at each other intently. I am not sure what I am seeing in her eyes. I know they are bit brighter than they were.

"That was an honest, heartfelt and truthful answer thank you, Christian, for that. One more question, will you allow me to read the letter Linda wrote to you?" "Ana, of course you can read it, I didn't bring with me today, I'm sorry, I should have thought of that. You can read it anytime. Do you want me to have Jason bring it over when we get back?"

"No Christian, I want you bring it to the house tomorrow. I need some time to think about today. So, could we go back now, and pick this up tomorrow. I think we both need some rest. Why don't you and Jason come to the house around noon" "Umm, okay. I have to be at my parents for dinner at 5, so noon is good."

I texted Jason to tell the captain to take us back to the dock.

Ana POV

Well that was a very good answer. I am too exhausted to dissect it though. I want to read the letter Linda wrote to him. I asked him if I could read it and he eagerly offers to have it delivered this evening. I then invited him to my house tomorrow. I know I need rest! I believe this man, and I just don't know if I can trust that his changing is going to stick. It is so easy for him to fall back into his old ways. Why the hell did I invite him to the house? I know we aren't finished, by a long shot with the conversation, but, I didn't have to invite him to my home. I spent months ridding the house of him. Not just his possessions, but of his presence, and now I am bringing him back in.

Once I got home, I grabbed a glass of wine and curled up on the couch. I and staring at the white rose that I put on the coffee table. Is this a new beginning? Am I getting the truth? Is there hope?

SUNDAY

Christian POV

Last night, when I got home, I called Flynn. I gave him a blow by blow report of the day. I left nothing out. He was not surprised at how the day went. He was actually glad to see I was still alive. He was as taken aback as I was that Ana invited me over to her house today. He reminded me not to read too much into it. There were still a lot of issues that needed to addressed. While yesterday may have given Ana answers, it also opened old wounds. My expectations had to be tempered. He laughed when I told him she called me a first class ass. He told me she was being kind. He wished me luck and told me he was proud that I was taking this step forward.

I better get moving it's almost time to leave. I made a copy of the letter, just in case Ana wants to keep it. Jason and I set out to the house and for me the unknown.

Ana POV

This is my house. I can control what happens here. I haven't had that dream since the week after the divorce. It has me rattled. The dream was all of the bad and all the good of the life I had with Christian. The good parts were stupendous. The bad, and in reality, the bad was the way he broke our marriage, that was horrific. It was the end of the dream that has me totally shaken, we were making love! That part of the dream was new. Yesterday I noticed that he never attempted to touch me. For that I am thankful. I was so raw; I am not sure how I would have reacted to his touch. At one point, it would have been nice to been held by him; thank goodness he had self restraint.

I have everything ready for today. I told Luke that he and Jason were to stay in the media room. They can do what they want in there. I have put snacks and drinks in there for them. I also told him, that unless he heard blood curdling screams or breaking glass, he and Jason were not come out of that room until I called them. His face betrayed him, I could see the humorous expression, but he said he understood.

I am planning on having what little conversation may be left to have in the kitchen. I will not just sit and listen to him. I have to do something. It will help me think. So, I am going to cook the week's menu and he can sit at the kitchen table. I have a bottle of wine chilling, since I always have wine when I cook, today is no different. My life goes on, no matter if Christian Grey is around or not.

Luke tells me they have arrived. I told him to go, I would answer the door.

"Jason, Christian come on in. Jason, Luke is in the media room, please join him. I'm sure you remember where it is. Christian, let's go in the kitchen. I have things I have to do. Can I get you a glass of wine?" "Sure" he replies. The look on his face is incredulous. I don't know what he expected. This is what he is getting. I busy myself with getting the food I need to start preparing for the week ahead.

"Ana, I brought a copy of the letter you asked for. I thought you might want to keep it."

"Thanks just put it on the table. Christian, was any part of our marriage real to you? Was any of it based on truth and trust?" The only sound you can hear is me chopping the hell out of the celery.

"Ana, my love for you is true. I was always truthful with you about how I felt about you. I meant every word that I spoke to you about you being my life, my reason for existence, you were the best thing in my life, and I trusted you with my heart. You never broke it or abused it. I can't say the same about how I handled your heart. The life we were making together was real. Aspects of it were not completely honest and truthful. That was my doing. I kept secrets from you. I never shared my fears with you. I didn't share with you, honestly, any of the bad. I didn't want to appear weak to you. I didn't want you to have to worry about anything. I know now that was the wrong way to live in a marriage. Marriage is an equal partnership. You count on each other for everything. I was not capable of that back then." He is slumped the chair running his hands through his hair. His eyes are sad. Wait a minute. He said his love is true.

"Well, Christian, let me tell you how I saw it. I knew you were fifty shades of fucked up. But I chose to make a life with you. I chose to call you out on the things I felt were important to me, and to be honest, to you for your growth. I chose to let some things slide. I overlooked your insecurities because I understood where they came from. I chose to LOVE YOU! What I didn't choose was to be broken into a million pieces. I didn't choose to be lied too. I didn't choose to be kept in the dark like a mushroom. YOU chose those things for me. You denied me the right to be my own person and make my own decisions within our marriage. You broke your promise to me to never break my heart. You didn't protect me. You didn't keep me safe. You not only destroyed me, but you destroyed everything I believe in. You were a one man wrecking crew." "Christian, what the hell do you want from me now? You have already had everything I could give you and you threw it away."

"Ana, I could say I was sorry because, I am. I could try to make-up for all the pain I have caused you. But, there is nothing I can do to change what I did. I take all the blame for what happened to us. I can only ask that you believe me now when I say I have never stopped loving you. I have never stopped needing you in my life. Believe that I am remorseful for my actions years ago. Believe that I have changed and am still changing. What I want from you and what I can ask of you are two different things. I can ask you to consider being a friend. What I want is more." "Ana, give me a chance to prove to you that you weren't wrong about me."

Holy bat shit! Did he just say he wants more? He never stopped loving me, well that makes us even. I find it gallant that he takes all the blame for our demise. Who else would there be to blame? At least he realizes it. My heart wants to believe he has changed. Not so much my mind, yet.

"Christian have you gone back to the BDSM life-style" Well that came out of the blue!

"I have been celibate since the night I moved back to Escala. I had the playroom destroyed. To be totally honest, I needed to punish myself for what I did to you. I thought about going back to BDSM, but in my mind, that would be cheating on you. I always promised you I would never cheat. At least I kept that promise. I wanted to honor my vows to you. I know that sounds ridiculous. But, that is the way my mind was working at the time. I have been out with women, the occasional dinner or fund raising event. Not often. No woman, other than Linda those last 5 months of her life, has been in Escala.

Mr. Sex on Legs hasn't' had sex for 5 years. That boggles my mind. But then neither have I, not because I was honoring any vows, but because I couldn't imagine myself having such an intimate relationship with anyone other than Christian. I sure hope to hell Flynn and him have worked out this self-flagellation complex he had. We need to back this down. The emotions are starting to get to me and I can tell he is really tense. Being honest is hard work.

"Christian, would you get the milk out of the fridge for me. My hands are a mess." He gets up from the chair that he hasn't moved from in hours and gets the milk. He brings it to the island and then he grabs my messy hands, turns me to him and looks me straight in the eyes and says "Ana, please forgive me."

Oh my Fifty. I forgave you a long time ago. It was part of my healing process. I may never forget, but I did forgive. He doesn't need to know that fact just yet. I just wonder if he can forgive himself.

Christian POV

The house hasn't changed. Well all of the pictures of us are gone. I understand that. Escala is the same as it was, minus the playroom. Our wedding photo still hangs in the hall.

She leads the way to the kitchen. There are pots on all the burners and food on the counter. She must be planning on cooking. I always loved watching her cook. The wine she chose was delightful.

I offered her the letter but she told me to put it on the table. I guess she will read it later.

Then she asked me about whether our marriage was real and was it based on truth. No foreplay with this Ana. She went right for the jugular. I answered her with all honesty. I told her my love is real. I used the present tense, because I do still love her.

It is so difficult giving her answers, because I am not that person any more. I owe her the answers she is demanding of me. I owe her so much more. Shit, she has every right to take that chopping knife and run it straight into my heart.

When she was telling me her view, I was dying inside. She was right with everything she was saying. There was no way in hell this bright, strong, confident woman was going to let me anywhere near her again. I sit drinking in all of her. Her scent, the way she moves, her beautiful eyes and her smile. I know this will be the last time I will get that opportunity.

Then she floored me by asking what I want of her. I just bared my soul to her. I do want her as friend, but I also want more. I want to have what we should have had, if I wouldn't have been a fucked up bastard.

I knew I was grasping at straws, when I held her hands and asked her to forgive me. I have worked on forgiving myself. I am almost there. Maybe, after today I can finish that journey. Flynn and I will work hard on getting me there.

When it was time for me leave, I thanked her for talking. The last words I heard from her were "I'll call you."


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Taylor POV

It has been several weeks since I brought the boss home from his visit with Ana. Luke and I call it the 'ass chewing out session'. Even though the media room, where we were trying to watch a game, is partially sound proof, we could still hear Ana. Luke said the only time he has heard that tone of voice from her was when she fired an employee for signing an author that was a known pedophile.

The boss was very subdued when I took him to his parents for dinner that day. He said Ana told him she would call him. I told him I thought that was as positive as he could expect right now.

Work at GEH has been fairly normal. We are usually back at Escala before 6 every night. Christian is still seeing Flynn almost every day. Personally, I have to say it's working. We haven't had to replace his cell phone once in the past several months. Barney is afraid the phones he has in stock are going to be outdated, before they get used.

He always had social manners, but he started being more personal with the staff. Don't get me wrong, he isn't dining with them in the employee lunch room, but he is calling them by their first names, and he is being pleasant with them. I do notice him still counting and pausing in the board room, but that is becoming less and less. I dare say I think he is finally becoming an adult.

He hasn't constantly been asking if Ana called. He certainly hasn't requested any surveillance on her. When he talks about Ana it is with reverence. He was so thankful that she saw him that week-end and they talked.

When we are home, he usually has dinner with Gail and me and if Flynn hasn't eaten, he joins us too. He doesn't hole up in his study. He spends most of his time in the great room either reading or watching CNN on the TV. If Gail has something to do in the evening, he will ask him to join him in a game of pool or just to bullshit. He is not morose. I've mentioned this to Flynn, and he told me Christian is fine. He has found his peace and is just now dealing with it. Flynn said a lot of this is Christian using the time for self-reflection. Damn the psycho-babble. I just need to know if he is okay.

I've talked with Luke a couple of times and he says that Ana is what he would call pensive. We talked about how both of us would really like it if these two got back together, because together, they are a power house. Together, they are the greatest love story ever. But we both know that Christian fucked up, and Luke isn't sure Ana can get past that. When we talk like that, we call ourselves 'the old ladies gossip club'. We are both waiting to see what happens next, oh we know there is going to be a 'next', our guts are telling us that this is not over.

Ana POV

It's been almost 3 weeks since I told Christian I would call him. He hasn't attempted to make any contact with me since then. I'm impressed. He is recognizing boundaries.

He left me with a lot to mull over. I did read the letter. If you read the letters together, you find that Linda was a very astute woman. From what I read, besides John, the only person Christian ever talked about was me.

She knew he was a fuck-up. She told him he was wrong. That fact alone makes her brave in my book. No one ever tells Christian Grey he is wrong. She gave him directives from the grave. She challenged him. Nobody challenges the Christian Grey.

She knew he never stopped loving me. I was the unknown. She didn't know whether I still loved him. But, since she had this strong conviction of one true love and a happily ever after she had to reach out to me.

The great letter swap was intentional. It was to teach Christian a lesson. Secrets will destroy you. She was not going to be a secret anymore and she wasn't going to allow Christian to keep that secret. That is why I have not kept any secrets from the people I love. That is why I told Ray about the letter.

She wanted me to know that Christian wasn't selfish. What he did for her was out of friendship. It had nothing to do with money. He married her in name only. Christian gained nothing. He put the shipping company under the GEH umbrella, but receives no profit from it. All money made goes back into the company. They have a CEO in place that runs the place. I had Hannah check that out for me.

He gave comfort and peace of mind to a dying friend. He helped somebody without writing a check or asking for anything in return. She was also the catalyst for him to seek out Flynn.

I do believe him that he is changing, for him. She just set the ball in motion. She too was a good friend, even from the grave. I'm not pissed at his relationship with Linda, it was innocent. I am pissed that he deprived me of a friendship with this very wise woman. We would have been best friends. I am heartbroken that her husband's death was the catalyst for the break-up of my marriage.

There was a lot of shit said that week-end by both of us. Everything said needed to be said. I am still trying to wrap my head around all of it. There is still more to discuss, though. I do believe that he has made tremendous progress in banishing as he calls it 'the old Christian'. I am a bit gun shy as how long it will last. Can my love for him mitigate the pain he caused, not only to me, but to all of our extended family? Can the past truly be put behind us, so that we can move forward?

I asked Christian what he wanted from me, now I must decide what I want from him, if anything.

Ray POV

Annie called and told me she had seen Christian twice. She wasn't easy on the asshole. Good for her, she shouldn't have been. She filled me in on all that is happening with him. She is a smart girl, especially in her business. I could tell she is struggling with what to do with Christian. I've been where she is, with her mother. The difference is I wasn't the love of her mother's life, even though she was mine. These two are destined to be together. I loathe what he did to Annie. I would have killed him with my bare hands if I could. I won't easily forget how my little girl suffered. Annie asked me what I thought she should do.

I know what I want to tell her, but she has to come to her own conclusion. I told her I knew she has forgiven him, now can she forget enough to allow her heart to take over instead of her mind. Sometimes, the heart is a better barometer of what our life should be, since we tend to over think things. She laughed and told me she didn't know I was such a romantic. I told her I read her book and it changed me.

Christian POV

Ana said she would call me. It's been 3 weeks. I know she will call in her own time. I'm still working with Flynn. We are down to three times a week. Working with Flynn has been brutal, but worth it. I can just imagine what the past would have been like if I would have done all this work on myself then. Flynn is adamant, that I don't dwell on that thought. He says it's good that I can learn from all the mistakes I made, but, if I stay in that place too long, I will have set backs. Neither of us wants that.

I've gone over the conversations of that week-end Ana and I met, and I feel good about them. I was truthful, I left nothing out, and I think I explained myself to her. I took what she said to me to heart, and know that there is nothing I can do to repair the damage I wrecked on her, except be the best man I can be now.

I will just wait for the love of my life to call and hope for the best. I am prepared for the worst, though.

Ana POV

I have myself so confused. I love him. I don't know if I can trust that he has really changed. I am pissed off at him for our past history. I know that I have forgiven him, so that means we should be able to move forward. What do I want is where I am stuck.

I called my daddy and talked with him. I had hoped he would lead me in the right direction, and he is right I do over think things.

I know what I have to do before I truly make a decision where Christian is concerned. I have two other phone calls to make.

Flynn POV

I knew I would be getting the call I just got. Ana knew I couldn't give her specifics of Christian's case. It surprised me that she asked me to contact Christian and see if he would allow me to give specific information. I told her I would do that for her. I told her I would get back to her. She is seeking answers. More about whether the Christian she met with, is real and has he finally put his past, all of it behind him. I will talk to Christian tonight, when I see him and see what he wants me to do.

Kate POV

Out of the blue Ana called today. What a surprise that was! I have missed her friendship these past years. I understand her reasoning, and she is right it would have been hard for me to keep my marriage together with Elliot supporting Christian. Oh, he didn't support what Christian had done, as evidenced by the black eye and swollen jaw Christian had after he told the family what he done.

She wanted to meet and she was specific in what this conversation was going to be about. She wanted my take on Christian now. She asked me to please put aside my past feelings for him and be honest. She said to do what I do best and report as a journalist on him. We agreed to meet on Friday.

Ana POV

Kate is coming over to the house today. I decided that we both would be more comfortable here. I really trust that she will give me the insight I need. She has seen more of Christian in past years and she knows what has been going on with him.

"Kate!" I am screaming, crying and hugging her all the same time.

"Ana, oh how I have missed you." She is crying. It feels good to be hugged by your best friend. I've missed this.

"Ana I need wine!" So being the good friend that I am, I pull out the bottle of wine I have chilled; two glasses and we head for the couch.

"Kate, thank you so much for coming over. I have missed you so much over the past years. I am going to come right to the point. I'm sure you know that Christian and I have spoken several times." She is sipping her wine and nods. "I need to hear from you, what you have noticed about him. Has he changed? Has he been honest with his family? Do you think he is hiding anything? Kate, if you don't want to say anything, I understand. He is your brother-in-law. You have yourself to think of, and your marriage."

"Ana, I have not spoken to Christian since the day he divorced you. When the family is together, I just sneer at him." We both burst out laughing, because that is just so Kate. "If Elliot wanted to see his brother, he met him away from our house. Elliot understood why I couldn't have Christian in our home. When Elliot would talk about him, I just told him to shut up. Christian cost me so much over the years. He cost me you, and that was unforgiveable. I know, you thought it was for the best that we put our friendship on the shelf. I bought your reasons. I let it go. I didn't want to, but for your sake, I honored your request. My heart broke for you and for me. I missed us. But, you did protect me from being badgered about what Ana was doing, how is she, and on and on. Most of that came from Grace when Christian was around." We are giggling, that is so like Grace, subtle like a chainsaw.

"The past several months, there has been a change in him. He never misses Sunday dinner. He talks about normal things. He hasn't thrown a temper tantrum in months. He has shared the things him and Flynn have worked on. He talks to and plays with Ava, that's my daughter's name. You really have to meet her. She has my personality. She's a pistol. Anyhow, back to Christian. Last Sunday he approached me. Brave man, because he knew I wouldn't talk to him. Ana, he fucking apologized to me for what he did to you! He told me he would understand if I never forgave him, but he wanted me know he was so sorry. And, he was dead serious and sincere."

"Oh my god, Christian Grey doesn't apologize to anyone, what did you say to him?" "Ana I was so stunned, that I just stood there. I was at a loss for words, me Kate Grey, had no words." We were laughing so hard we doubled over. I can just see Kate standing there not having one word to say.

"Ana, I have to say he has changed. He isn't acting like CEO Grey all the time. Actually I can say in the past months I haven't seen that side of him, even when Mia had a problem she had to deal with. He didn't demand that she do this or that. He wasn't barking orders. He joined in the conversation in a supportive way. He let Mia come to her own decision on how to handle it, and he didn't try to change her mind or do anything to undermine her."

"Oh, wow Kate that is a biggie. He allowed Mia to find her own way."

"Ana, are you thinking of going back to him?" I told Kate about our conversations, not the details but the general gist of things. I told her he told me loved me, and he asked me to be his friend but that he wanted more.

We spent time catching up on the last years. Just as best friends can do. It was like we were never apart. She had to leave to pick Ava up from a friend's house. We promised to get together next week and to keep in touch. As she was leaving she told me she would respect any decision I made. She told me it was about time I had love and happiness. If that was with Christian, she knew I would find a way.

She no sooner left than I got a call from Flynn. Christian had no problem with him sharing anything with me at any time. I only had two questions for him right now. I asked if the change in Christian is real and he assured me it was. He also told me that the demons of the past have finally been put to rest, which is why he is changing.

I thanked him for his time and told him I might be calling again.

I had all the facts that I could have. I had the views of my best friend. I had the professional opinion of the person who probably knows the most about Christian. Now I had to make a decision. Because even though my life was going on as it had been, there was this small tornado swirling around in my head creating unrest and I needed to settle it one way or another. Can love conquer everything?

Christian POV

I had my session with Flynn today. We talked about what I was going to do if Ana refused to be in my life at all. Honesty, I am not sure. She will always have my heart. She is one of a kind. I tell Flynn that sometimes the remorse I feel for what I did to her is overwhelming.

During our discussion, he tells me if I want Ana to forgive me, I must totally forgive myself. He thinks I am almost there, but still have to work on it. He tells me "Be regretful for what you have done. You can't go back in time and have a do over. But, you should never forget the mistakes you made, because that it how you learn. By learning, you most likely will not repeat the same mistakes again." Damn straight, that's a fact. I will never and I mean never, intentionally hurt Ana again!

He mentions that Ana called him. "She wanted me to ask you for your permission to talk to her about you." I choose to take this as a good sign. "J, you can tell her anything, everything she wants to know. I want to have no secrets from her, or anyone else for that matter." "Christian that is a true sign that you have changed at how you look at relationships and your responsibility in maintaining a healthy outlook on them. I will call her when I leave here. I will not tell you about my conversation with her, so don't ask." We both laugh. He knows me so well, but in all honesty I don't want to know what she wants to know. "J, the old Christian would have badgered the hell out of you for that information, but where I am right now, I don't want to know. That's between Ana and you."

After Flynn leaves I do what I always do. Go back over all the things we talked about. I am trying to figure out if I can totally forgive myself for all of the havoc I wrecked in my life.

It's Saturday. I wake up really rested, for a change. I didn't have a nightmare last night. I did dream. I don't remember all of it, but what I do recall is that Ana has forgiven me and I have forgiven myself. Today is going to be a good day. I think I am finally whole.

My phone rings. I see it's Ana.

Ana POV

I am at the market, I love my Saturday routine. I love the aroma from the bakery stands and the different scents from all the flowers. Shopping here is not a chore. Luke hates Saturday mornings, at least until we get home and I share the cinnamon buns with him from my favorite bakery.

Some people do their best thinking in the shower, I do mine at the market. I know what I have to do. I take out my phone and make the phone call that may change the rest of my life.

"Christian, its Ana, I know this is short notice, but could you meet me around 6 tonight at CD's?" CD's is a small, casual restaurant I found, where I take authors when we have to have a dinner meeting. It has great food and the staff is very discrete. They don't hover yet they offer wonderful service. It is a perfect place for what I have in mind.

"Sure Ana, 6 is fine. I have never been there, so could you send me directions?" "Oh, sure, I'll send them to you. It's a casual place, I think you will like it, it has great food. See you at 6. Bye Christian."

Now I just have one more thing to pick up and head for home so Luke can have his cinnamon buns.

"Luke, I have to be at CD's at 6. Looks like you and Jason are going to get to hang-out together tonight." I have to laugh at the look on his face. He appears to be surprised, but with the icing all over his mouth, it comes across as amusement.

Christian POV

I'm meeting Ana in an hour. This is it! I'm nervous, scared and happy, all rolled into one. All emotions that I am not used to, but, now I know how deal with them. I am not freaking out, but I am pacing and trying not to over think. No matter what happens tonight, I like who I have become these past months. I am a good person. I am moving forward and not looking back, except as a reference point. I have grown and grown up.

Jason and I arrive at CD's. He checks inside to make sure there aren't any security risks. When he comes back out he says that Ana hasn't arrived yet, and there should be no problems, because the place is small and right now there are only a few tables occupied.

I decide to wait outside of the door for her. I try hard not to keep running my hands through my hair. So I put my hands in my pockets. Old habits are very hard to break.

She is here! I feel her before I see her.

Ana POV

Luke pulls up to the front of CD's. I sense him before I turn and look out the window, where I see him standing outside the restaurant's door. His hands are in his pockets. My guess is he is trying to not rub them through his hair. "Luke you and Jason decide whether you want to come in or hang out somewhere nearby. I don't think we will need close protection tonight. But you decide what is best." "Of course, Ana, I will talk to Jason and let you know what we decide."

I open my car door, and Christian is right there to offer me his hand. He always was such a gentleman. Again the damn sparks fly between us. Luke is on his way over to talk to Jason. We just stand there, staring into each other's eyes. We are both smiling. I am more at ease than he is at the moment. I can feel his tenseness. I almost forgot, I reach back into the car and get what I picked up at the market. Turning back to Christian I say "Christian these are for you.", as I hand him one white and one yellow rose.

"Ana, thank you. They are beautiful, just like the woman who gave them to me." Luke and Jason are walking toward us. Christian hands Jason the roses and tell him to get them in water and keep them safe for him. I have to chuckle. Who would have thought! Luke tells me, while trying not to laugh, that he and Jason have decided that they will go down the street to the coffee shop. They can see CD's from there and will just keep an eye out. If I need him just text him he tells me.

"Christian, let's go in and get a table. I am starved." We are seated and we have our drinks, our order has been taken, and there is a silence between us, we keep looking at each other. His eyes are filled with trepidation. I was going to wait until we have both eaten, but decided the time was now.

"Christian, I have been doing a lot of thinking since our last conversation. I opened all the old wounds, re-experienced the pain and torture I went through all those years ago. I am a better person today because of what I went through at your hands. I did not let you destroy me. I did not destroy myself. That being said, I have come to a decision that is what is best for me and what I can live with. I am hopeful that you will honor that decision." I think his tension level has reached the maximum level. But, he isn't going all nuclear. He is breathing deeply and I think he is counting. His eyes have not left my face. Just then our food arrives. "Christian, let's eat and then I will continue." Okay, that is being cruel, but I need to see for myself how he handles this.

"The food smells delicious, we should enjoy it. You know I read your first book and I saw a lot of me in your antagonist", he says. "Yes, writing helped me to get my feelings out and to get a different perspective on things. It certainly didn't have the happy ending I am so fond of, though. The second book should be finished soon. I love the fact that I can write. I enjoy it so much. I love being an editor too." The conversation though the rest of the meal was about the second book and I could see Christian relax just a little.

We are having after dinner drinks and I know I have to finish this. His hands are fiddling with the napkin under his drink. I take his hands in mine and look him in the eye. "Christian, I have always loved you with all of my heart. Even when you broke it, it healed, still loving you. I know you love me too. You asked me to forgive you. Christian, I forgave you a long time ago. I had to in order to move on. I just hope you have forgiven yourself. Many years ago, I gave you a second chance and I did not regret that decision. Do not make me regret my decision to give you a third chance. That chance comes with strings though. Do you want to hear more?" I notice that he has tightened his grip on my hands and that he let a breath, that I'm not sure he knew he was holding. I'm also not sure he wants me to continue. We are just sitting in silence. "Ana, please continue I want to hear what you have to say."

"My life is good, I am happy and content. At this point I cannot give you more. What I can give you is friendship. Not friends with benefits, just true friendship. Something we have never had. You saw me as many things, but never as a friend. My strings to this friendship are not meant to hurt you, but for you to prove to me and yourself that you really have changed. First and foremost, you must apologize to my father for breaking your promise to him. You promised to never hurt me and to always cherish me. He deserves an apology. We can talk and we can see other, not every day, but whenever both of our schedules permit and only if we want to. You will never invite me or take me Escala. I will never set foot in that place as long as I live. When things from our past surface, and they will, we will discuss them. We will avoid placing blame. If there is a problem with our friendship, we will discuss it. No unilateral decisions are too made by either of us. You will arrange a meeting with your family and help restore the relationship I had with them. As friends, we can lean on each other for support when it is needed but I will not be your crutch. I know you know how to be a friend; you proved that with John and Linda, can you be my friend with these conditions?"

I think I have just made the great Christian Grey speechless! He is rubbing his thumb across my knuckles. It is soothing to feel his touch. For the first time all night, I think he is totally relaxed. I think he thought I was going to throw him under the bus. We have too much history, good and bad, to ignore each other the rest of our lives. I have always known that I wanted him to be part of my life. This is a win-win situation for me. I get back everything I lost.

"Ana, I would be honored to be your friend. Nothing you have asked of me is unreasonable. Actually, I think you are being too kind. I will call Ray and meet with him. You are absolutely right. I owe him an apology. My family won't be a problem. They will be thrilled to have you back in their lives, in any manner that you want to be. I owe them an apology too. The rest will be proven over time. Thank you for the third chance."

We leave the restaurant, he has arm around my shoulder like friends do, and we walk to the coffee shop to meet Jason and Luke. This feels right. For the most part the past is laid to rest. The future will be what it will be. We only have today.

A/N There will be one more chapter because this journey is almost complete. I know you guys were split on whether they should get back together or not. Personally, I could never see either of them being without each other in. Also, Ann has no secrets. She was referring to the showing Ray the letter from Linda and not keeping it from him. Bad wording, I am sorry for that. Thank you for reading this first attempt at fan fiction and for all your views both good and bad. I appreciate it very much.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Epilogue

Christian POV

It is hard to believe that is has been over a year since 'the great letter swap' as Ana calls it.

That night at CD's was a true turning point in my life. The fact that I got the chance to remain in Ana's life was mind-blowing. To be honest, I was pretty sure she was going to tell me to hit the bricks. The 'strings' as she called them, that were attached to us beginning a friendship were things that I should have done long before that night.

I asked her to help me with Ray. She just laughed at me and told me I was on my own. I didn't feel right about talking to him over the phone, and I didn't want to interfere with his time with Ana when he came to visit her. So I was going to ask him for a meeting. He was visiting one week-end and I called Ana and asked to speak to Ray. "You're in for it now, Grey" she told me, laughing the whole time. She put Ray on the phone and I asked for a meeting with him. I told him I didn't want to interrupt his time with Ana. "Nonsense Mr. Grey, I suggest you get your ass over here right now" was his response. I could hear Ana in the background laughing like a monkey in a pile of bananas. I couldn't help but chuckle myself. He put Ana back on the phone and I asked her if she was okay with me coming over and she was laughing so hard she could barely get out the word yes.

I told Jason that we needed to get to Ana's right away, Ray was there waiting for me. I think Jason was concerned, because he asked if should bring Ryan along. I told him I thought that might be overkill. By the time we got to Ana's house, she had at least stopped laughing, but her eyes were lit up and her face was glowing. She always was her most beautiful when she was truly happy. She told me Ray was waiting for me in the library. She took hold of my hands and wished me luck. She told Jason to go to the kitchen. Jason hesitated, but I told him it would be okay. I wasn't as sure of that as I let on. I opened the library door and was immediately met with a fist to my jaw. Holy Shit, what was that! "I've been waiting to do that for years" Ray says. "Yes, sir, I'm sure you have, and I deserve it." There was a knock on the door and Ray opened it. Ana and Jason were there and Jason handed me an ice pack for my jaw. Ana was giggling and Jason was trying hard not to laugh. "Annie you know me so well" Ray told her. "Daddy you had your one shot, now play nice and hear him out." "Christian, you and Jason are staying for dinner." And out the door they went, leaving Ray and I alone. I started to apologize to him and he put his hand and said "Stop!" "Son, I don't want to hear all the gory details about the past. Annie has been up front with me from the beginning. The only reason you would want to see me is to apologize. Annie has told me how you have changed. I trust what she says. She is a damn good judge of character. She saw the good in you long before you did. I've noticed a change in her too. She seems lighter, like a burden has been lifted from her. I have heard her laugh more in the last year than any time since your fiasco. She is happy, successful, and content and at peace, but I think now she is joyful. What I want to know from you is what you intend to do to make sure she stays joyful?"

"Ray this past year has been amazing. Ana is such a wonderful friend. You know I never stopped loving her, and I didn't think I could love her more, but I do. I would love to re-marry her and have a family. I believe we are working towards that, but it is on Ana's time line, not mine. I am sure Ana told you we are talking about moving our friendship up a step. We have talked about moving in together. We are just at the talking stage. I learned many painful lessons, lessons I probably should have learned when I was young. The biggest thing I have learned is that any relationship is an equal partnership. It doesn't mean that it always fifty-fifty. Sometimes it might be 80-20, but the basis is always 50-50. There can never be secrets or deception. By remembering that and acting accordingly every day that I live, I will be able to make sure Ana stays joyful."

"Son, let's go eat and plan a fishing trip." And that was the end of the conversation. I sure expected a lot worse, but, that is Ray. We have gone fishing, and occasionally when he is visiting Ana, she invites me over and we spend time together. He asked me for some business advice and I helped him out. I offered to loan him one of my financial team members and he accepted the help and thanked me for not forcing it on him. My bulldozing days are over. Well, not at GEH but in my private life it has been banished.

Ana POV

The last year has been amazing. I finished my second book and it is on the best sellers list. Christian attended one of my book signings. He spent the entire time watching me sign books and talk with fans. He was genuinely proud of me. GP is growing by leaps and bounds, and we have entered the e-book arena, and beating all our competitors.

Christian is fun to be with. We have had some very heavy discussions. I expected we would. But they were discussions. That was very important to me. We are very at ease with each other. I believe the bad stuff is truly behind us. We both keep moving forward.

He wanted my help with daddy. I just howled and laughed. He was on his own there. One week-end while daddy was visiting Christian called and asked to talk to him. Daddy being daddy told him to get his ass over to the house now. Daddy told me he would meet with Christian in the library and bring Christian to him when he got there and to keep the "goons" away. I did as he asked and sent Jason to the kitchen. I just knew my daddy was going to sock him. So I told Jason what I thought was going to happen and fixed an ice pack. Jason just laughed. So off we went to the library and sure enough I was right. Jason and I left the two of them in the library and I assured Jason that was the worst it was going to get. We all had dinner together, Daddy, Christian, Jason and Luke, and me. I might as well not have been there because the guys were talking all about fishing trips. It was a fun night, and Daddy and Christian had taken the steps necessary to heal their relationship.

Christian invited me to Sunday dinner at his parent's house a couple of weeks after our dinner at CD's. I was a bit leery of going, but I had to because this was what I asked for. I was nervous, but shouldn't have been. Walking into Grace and Carrick's home was like I never left. Grace just kind of picked up where we left off. She knew all about my first book and what I had been doing with GP. Apparently she was reading on the internet. She even asked me to sign her copy of my first book. I told her I would make sure she got a signed copy of the second one as soon as it was released. Elliot was Elliot, his same joking, kid like self. Of course Kate was ecstatic. Christian and I played with Ava in the family room. Mia wouldn't stop squealing. It was just like old times. We had a lot of fun. Grace called me aside and told me Christian had apologized to the whole family about what he had done and how despicable he was back then. She hugged me and thanked me for giving back her son for the second time. I told her he did it all on his own. She told me I am welcome in her home anytime. I have gone to a few Sunday dinner's since then. But Sunday's are my day to get ready for the upcoming week, and I do like to do my cooking, it relaxes me before I face the rat race world of publishing. Christian has been good about it. He understands that I have my life and I am fitting him into it, not the other way around.

We have not been intimate. A lot of talking and no sexing. It has been damn hard not to give into those feelings. They are still there, stronger than ever, but I won't allow myself to fall into that trap again. This is what our relationship should have been like the first time. We skipped a few steps back then. I am going to make sure we don't make the same mistakes this time. I do see myself becoming Mrs. Grey again. I believe I will get my happily ever after, and this time it will be forever.

Christian really has changed. At my book signing, there were many male fans and they were gushing all over me and how they loved my book. Christian just stood back relaxed and observed, with a smile plastered on his face. He truly accepted that I was not his possession to protect. When we left the signing, we were laughing about how the men were reacting to me.

I did have a close call at another signing, where Christian couldn't be there because he had to be in New York. A poor soul burst through the crowd with a gun and was shouting about the morals of the nation and that I had to die. Luke and the shops security subdued him. I was scared but not hurt. I called Christian that night to tell him how the signing went, and when I told him about the incident, I wasn't sure how he would react. I was very impressed. He wanted to know if I was alright. He didn't demand I get more security, he didn't demand that I come right home and not finish the tour. He was supportive and believed me when I told him if I felt in danger I would have Luke do whatever was necessary to protect me.

We have talked about moving in together. We are spending so much time together lately. A few times, after having friends over, he has spent the night in the guest room. I found myself enjoying having morning coffee with him and leaving together for work. We have gone to many charity events together. Of course the press is having a field day with that. Christian is not going all super crazy about what they print and isn't trying to control the press. We both just ignore them.

We agree that we are better together than apart. We complement each other. Christian is still seeing Flynn, a couple of times a month. He says it's just to keep reinforcing all that he discovered. Flynn told him that our moving in together is a good way to make sure that we would be able to make a life time commitment, again.

When we make the final decision on our future, I do have a few rules that I want to make.

Taylor POV

Well, it looks like Gail and I are moving again. The boss and Ana have decided to try the co-habitation route. Ana refuses to come to Escala, so we are going to move back to the house on the Sound.

Gail is thrilled. She always believed those two would get back together. I had my doubts, but remained hopeful. If there were ever two people in the world who belonged together, it is the boss and Ana.

Ana laid down new rules, and the boss signed off on them. That surprised the hell out of me. First off, Gail will not be chief cook and bottle washer. She is foremost my wife. Ana would like her to go to the Market on Saturdays with her and help her prepare the meals for the week. She will not responsible for preparing daily meals. But, Gail must make her famous Mac and Cheese once a month. We will all have dinner together, as a family. Since Ana has always used a cleaning service for the house there will be no need for Gail to clean, however, Ann did ask Gail to oversee them. Since there will be more work for them to do. After all for the past 6 or so years, there have only been two people living there, now there will be 5.

Luke and I will give security updates once a day at dinner. That way everyone will know what is going on; there will be no secret meetings between anyone. Everything will be discussed as a group and if decisions need to made, they will be made as a group. Everyone will have a say in the matter. I really expected the boss to go ballistic over this rule. When he said that Ana was right, the last time we did it all wrong, you could have knocked me over with a feather.

Ana said we are family now. She insists that we treat each other as such. I think this was said more for Christian's sake than anyone else. She does not believe for one minute that there won't be problems but she is insistent that we work them out together.

She said if everyone, me, Gail, Luke and Christian could live with these rules, then we could move in next week-end. Gail was crying and jumping up and down and hugging Ana. Luke and I just looked at each other. We were both thinking the same thing; I'm sure 'the old ladies gossip club'. Christian hollered out a resounding yes, and Ana was laughing. Ana said, "Well, I guess I have my answer. Let the move-in begin."

Gail went home and started to pack.

Christian POV

I love this woman with all my soul. She brought up us moving in together, again. She said she thought we ready for that next step. She wanted to know if I was. I told her that the last year has been amazing. We have each grown individually and together. I think I have proved to myself and her that I have changed for the better. We have had our moments. But together we have worked them out.

She said this time around we are going to do it right. She had a few rules she wanted to lay down. So, she called a group meeting, me, Jason, Gail and Luke. She explained what she wanted all of lives to be like from now on. I had no problems with what she wanted. All of what she said felt right. I trust Ana to know what will make our life together better. She has this sense about people and how to bring happiness to them. I know what she is doing. Our lives, Jason and Luke included are filled with stress and problems with our jobs. She wants to make our home a sanctuary where we can be ourselves and eliminate the tension. This is what she has made her home like for the over the past 6 years. She will not have that destroyed. I will do my damndest to make sure it isn't. When were married, she tried to do the same thing, I was just too dumb and blind to see it. Now, I crave what she is trying to accomplish.

Ray POV

Yes! My Annie is going to get her happily ever after that she has craved since reading all those books since she was little. She sure had her share of heartache and disappointment, but, she is a better person for all of that. She and Christian are going to move in together. When she called and told me that they decided they should try this, I was thrilled. I didn't let her know that. After all, I still had to be "Daddy". I remained as calm as I could, and just asked her if she was sure. She reassured me she was and that it felt so right to be with Christian. She is such a loving, caring and forgiving woman. Thank god she is nothing like her mother! She has been destined to be with this man from the very beginning. I am delighted that Christian finally became the man that she deserved. I know deep in my heart that if they continue to work at their relationship I might just get a grandbaby!

 _6 months later_

Christian POV

These past 6 months have been interesting to say the least. Even though Ana and I had lived together for 2 years a man and wife, this is totally different. Ana insisted I learn how to do laundry! Her reasoning was that just because we have money it doesn't mean that we shouldn't take care of our own personal needs. I was so use to having Gail take care of my everyday needs, that I never had to think about things like washing, drying, folding and putting clothes away. So, Ana held Laundry 101 class for me. Laundry is a lot of work. I thought I caught on until all of my white t-shirts came out pink one day.

I called Gail in a panic. She thought something happened to Ana. She told me what I had done wrong; you do not put red t-shirts in with white clothes. She told me to rewash the white clothes and put some bleach in the water and it would take most of the bleeding out. I asked her not to tell Ana.

At dinner that night, during our security briefing, Gail brought up the laundry debacle. Everyone had a great laugh at my expense. There are no secrets in our house.

Ana laughs every time I wear a very pale pinkish t-shirt under my dress shirts. I have gotten better, and usually while Ana is at the market on Saturday, I do the laundry. That way, we both have the afternoon free to do something together.

Jason, Gail and Luke are included in everything. This was hard at first. It took some getting used to. One night I told Ana that I felt like I never had time with her all to myself. She told me in no uncertain terms that she did not belong to me exclusively, other than in our bedroom. I could deal with that or leave. She reminded me, quite adamantly I must admit, that we had plenty of alone time. We were alone in the mornings and evenings, after dinner. Most weekends we were alone. She was concerned that I was becoming comfortable with our living arrangement and was reverting to my old self. I told her that was never going to happen; it was just a case of adjusting to change.

We did discuss how I could cope with this feeling. Together we decided that when possible, one night a week, we would either go out or stay in for a romantic dinner. It has worked so far. Most weeks its Saturday, and we refer to it as "date night".

I am still seeing Flynn but only occasionally. I still have him on speed dial just in case. I am in a good place personally and I believe we are in a good a couple, better than we have ever been. That is why I am planning to ask her to marry me. We planned a big get together with my family, Ray and all of our friends to celebrate my birthday. After the last two years of Mia's planning, we decided we should take it into our hands. Since everyone will be here, I feel it would be the right time.

I had a Celtic Love Knot engagement ring made for her. Being honest with myself, I don't know what she will say. But I am at a point where I have to ask her.

Ana POV

It's been 6 months since Christian moved into the house. I had to teach him how to do laundry. That was hilarious. I wish I would have taped it! I still laugh when I see his pinkish t-shirts. He is learning that he has to take care of his own personal needs. I think he finally realizes how much of everyday life he gave over to others to do. I am sure if his younger years would have been different Grace would have taught him all of that stuff. But you are never too old to learn something new.

He is adjusting fairly well to how the house is run. We have our professional personas, but we live very simply. What is outside of our home, I call role playing. What is real is what happens between us. We did have a blow-up about alone time. I did tell him that night that he could either deal with it or leave. He was totally shocked that I said that. I think it finally has sunk in that never again will I take shit from him. I am not his doormat, nor is he mine. We worked that out with a compromise, and to be honest I like our "date nights".

Knowing he doesn't like a big deal made out of his birthday I asked him if we could plan a get together with family and friends here at the house. Mia's last two birthday parties for him were so over the top that I don't think I could handle another one. So we are just going to have a cook-out and a birthday cake. Very simple and relaxing. No presents. We asked that if anyone felt they had to give a gift, they should write a check for Coping Together and give it to Grace.

Christian and I are in good place right now with our relationship, better than we have ever been. We have reached the partnership that is needed to have a healthy relationship. I have thought about what happened with the divorce and I really think we would have been divorced anyhow. I was growing and Christian wasn't. It would have failed. So, all that has happened served a purpose, no matter how painful it was for both of us. My love for Christian keeps growing and growing.

Christian and I have visited Linda and John's gravesite. We make sure there are fresh flowers there year round. We told them that we are back together and owe them for that, especially Linda. I know talking to dead people may seem strange, but we both believe they can hear us, and Christian is still concerned that they may haunt him.

Luke POV

T, Gail and I have a bet going on as to when Christian is going to ask Ana to marry him. We decided on a month and year, since predicating a day would be impossible with these two. I have June of this year. Gail has December of this year. T has already lost; he picked February of this year. Whoever wins gets to have their laundry done for them for a month. We all know that it will be Gail fulfilling the bet, because T already told me he isn't doing my skivvies. Gail has adopted some of Ana's systems, and I have to do my own laundry, so does Taylor. Every once in awhile she spoils us and does it for us. Taylor and I already know how, thanks to the Marine Corps, but neither one of likes to do it.

T and I work well together, we always have. I can't bring myself to call him Jason. He was my boss at one time. T is the best I can do and Ana accepts that. We keep each other informed about our charges. We have our security debriefing at dinner every night. That is different. Ana never required a debriefing. I just had to let her know if there was something going on she should be aware of. I think she made that rule for Christian's benefit. But it also guaranteed that she wouldn't be in the dark and I wouldn't be put in the position of feeling like I was betraying T.

Tomorrow is the family cook-out for Christian's birthday. All the security has been invited along with their spouses or girlfriends. We will be working, but can still have a bit of fun too. T worked out a schedule with all the guys who take care of all the other Greys', so that nobody will be working more than an hour all day. Ana's thoughtfulness is so appreciated by all of us. She is one helluva lady!

Ana POV

I'm sitting on a blanket at the edge of the meadow, where I can watch the water in the Sound, and if I look the other way, I see family and friends enjoying themselves. Ray, Carrick and Jason are manning the grill. Christian was there for awhile and Carrick shooed him away, telling him he wasn't helping. Grace and Mia are helping Gail get the cold foods out to the picnic tables. Gail shooed me away and told me to relax. Elliot and Christian are playing some kind of game with Ava. Ava made it up and the rules are that she is the only one can win. Oh my, she is her mother's daughter. Kate is inside resting, she is due in a few weeks, and she tires easily. Elliot is over the moon that he is going to be a father again, and this time he will have a son. Luke and Hannah are walking the perimeter. He is on duty for another half hour, so Hannah thought she would join him. I think they are going to be a couple soon.

This is what I have always wanted. The years have been good to me. Even the bad years taught me a lesson. Enjoy life and make your own happiness. Others bring you joy.

Ray yells that the food is ready, so everyone heads towards the tables to fix their plates. Since all the women and the few single guys brought their favorite picnic dish, there is plenty to choose from. Good food, good friends, a loving family, there is nothing better in the world.

Christian slips his arm around my waist and asks me if I will help him serve the cake. I said sure. I am glad he asked because I wanted make sure he didn't butcher it, since his kitchen skills have not improved over the years.

Christian asks everyone to join us around the cake table. "I want to thank everyone for coming today and helping celebrate my birthday."

Then he turns to me and takes both of my hands in his. "Ana, I love you more today than I did the first time I laid eyes on you. You have to hell and back because of me. Because of the woman you are, I am able to stand here today, in front of everyone here and profess my love for you." I have tears in my eyes and now he is down on one knee. "The Celtic Knot symbolizes two souls bound by everlasting love. Ana would do me the honor of accepting this ring and marry me, again?" I see the most gorgeous Celtic Love Knot ring in the box he is holding in his hand.

Our eyes are locked together. I can see the love in his eyes and I can feel the tension in his body. He is waiting for my answer. "Christian, we are two souls bound by everlasting love. Over the past years that has been proven again and again. You are now are the man who deserves me. Yes, I will marry you." He takes the ring and places it on my left ring finger.

Cheers, hoots, whistling, hugging and kissing were in abundance. Christian was beaming from ear to ear. I was crying, but this time it was tears of happiness and joy. We have come full circle. We will have our happily ever after this time.

xxxxxxxxx

A/N: Thank you so much for reading this story. Your comments have been encouraging and helpful. To those of you who didn't want them to get back together, I regret that you are disappointed. I just couldn't do that to them. They have both worked hard to be the people they are today. I hope you at least enjoyed their journey. My journey in writing this has helped me close a chapter in my past. Thank you for allowing me to do that.


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